Mass Effect: Aftermath
by M.P.Wreade
Summary: Shepard chose to end the cycle and destroy the Reapers, but what did they take with them, and what should she do now that they're gone? She wakes in a med bay, completely alone, unrecognizable, and living in a universe whose state is similar to her own - a shadow of what it once was.
1. Chapter One - Alone

With a small jolt, she regained consciousness. Keeping her eyes closed, all she could hear was a distant ringing along with some muffled noises every now and then. She guessed that she was in some sort of med bay, and apparently her hearing wasn't what it used to be. She had been through similar situations before though and prepared herself for what was next to come. After a moment of hesitation she opened her eyes slowly, ready to be blinded by the lights, but was happy to see that someone had dimmed them. Of course, she was just happy to be able to see at all considering what she had been through recently.

Was it recently? She wasn't quite sure. Had she been out for long? Or was she dead and this is just the next step? She certainly had no expectation of survival as she pulled her gun on the system that would subsequently destroy all synthetic life in the universe. Hell, she would probably be happier dead. Who would want to face a universe that may or may not agree with the choices that she had made on its behalf? She could have been alright with staying dead the first time too. They had only revived her in order to throw her back into the fire, she was hardly even given a choice. Either way, she wasn't really too keen on the thought of an afterlife, but if this was it, she was happy that they weren't set on blinding her right off the bat.

Slowly she began moving her fingers. First the right hand and then the left. Every movement sent pain throughout her entire body, no matter how small the gesture. Still, it didn't take very long for her to become comfortable enough to move herself into an awkward half-sitting position as she began to take inventory of everything. Ten toes and ten fingers, wonderful, that was a very good start. Obviously she could see, and it didn't feel as though her mental faculties had slowed, so there was likely no brain damage. Legs looked moderately normal, along with her torso and arms apart from the new scars here and there. Scar tissue, she noticed. No stitching or bandages. Either she was still healing quickly thanks to Cerberus tech, or it had been months since she had arrived to wherever she was being held. Altogether she looked pretty well patched up.

Slowly her hands moved up to her face but when they got there it didn't feel right. Ignoring the pain and the alarms the detaching medical systems were now sending out, she quickly moved from the bed to search for a mirror. Propped up against the sink with shaking legs, she looked at herself. She was skinnier than before, and her muscles were nearly gone, but her eyes still looked like her own and she was glad for that. She continued to analyze the person staring back at her. This wasn't the first time that she had been rebuilt but whoever had done it this time apparently did not receive the reference photos. Firstly, her hair was gone. Simply gone. It would probably take more time than anything else to grow back without any help from doctors and she could cope with that but her face was. . .just not right. Very few scars but everything was different enough to put her past the point of recognition. She looked less like herself and more like a distant relative, perhaps a second or third cousin. Noticeably similar to those who knew what to look for but still definitely a different person by appearance.

She had only been at the sink for a very short time when a group of medics came rushing in, apparently ready for the worst. She looked at the medical equipment that was now reporting a false death and back to the group of people standing in front of her. An Asari with more of a purple hue gave her a quick once over and then turned to the rest of her crew and quietly dismissed them. The Asari ushered her back into the bed and began speaking to her while reattaching the medical equipment that she had ripped herself free from.

"My name is Anaren. You were pulled from the Citadel wreckage nearly three months ago, do you have any memory of the incident?"

She thought for a moment and nodded slowly. She was still alive and it have been three months. She had guessed pretty accurately then.

"We did the best we could. By the look on your face I am guessing that you do not appear as you used to. We apologize for any discrepancies, but you were nearly beyond any sort of recognition. Quite honestly, most of us are surprised that you survived at all," Anaren pause and gave her a calculated look, "Do you remember your name? Unfortunately an immeasurable amount of data was lost in the Citadel's blast. Our technology was easily repaired by people with working knowledge within their respective fields, but lost data is lost data. We lost all personal records and are unable to identify you through any form of DNA testing. Nobody could recognize you either so up until this point we've simply treated what we could in the hopes that you could provide us with the answers if and when you woke up."

She blinked a few times while processing the information just presented to her. Nobody knew who she was. But her crew. . .surely they had been looking for her. A wave of guilt and sadness washed over her as she finally acknowledged the questions that she had been successfully avoiding up until this point. Where was her crew? Her ship? Did they make it out alright and was everyone okay? Why was she alone? Surely one of her crew could have recognized her even if she had been pretty well battered. Where was. . .she refused to say the name of the one person she cared about most of all, even within her head. What if he hadn't made it? She couldn't face it, not yet. It was too soon. Those questions were for a little later. She stayed silent she felt the tears start welling up behind her eyes. She choked back the sobs that wanted to be let loose and tried to focus for just a few more minutes. If she told them who she was, would they believe her? Her eyebrows furrowed as she looked back up at the Asari, not ready to answer the question. Luckily she seemed to understand and continued on her little informational speech.

Anaren stood and walked to the medical supplies cabinet to grab a clip board with some pieces of paper on it as she spoke, "Now, we don't have all of our systems up and running again so we have to do this in a long winded manner. We don't have the resources to produce data pads so everything is on paper for the time being. Most of our efforts are currently going towards critical medical purposes as well as reestablishing long range space travel. I'll just need you to try to fill out these forms the best you can so we can get you an identification card and start rebuilding your personal file." With another glance at the equipment she smiled lightly, "I am very happy to see how well you are doing so far. You're quite the fighter. All your readings look wonderful and you've got enough strength to stand on your own, not to mention tearing free from my monitors. It's surprising to say the least. I assume that you're more than capable of writing then too. I'll give you some time to try and fill these out, when I come back we'll need to run some simple tests but for now just take it slow and try to remember as much as you can."

She had placed the clip board on the bed along with a pen and left the room quietly. It wasn't until Anaren left that she finally let the tears run free. She was completely and utterly alone and for the first time in her life, she found it upsetting. She had never once left a single person on her crew behind and yet here she was without anyone to even identify her. She tried her hardest to reason with her emotions. Apparently they were unable to recognize her by her face alone, but surely there would have been something? Dog tags, her uniform? Her crew would have definitely known who she was, if they had survived of course. They should have at least recognized that she was a soldier and started narrowing it down from there. Half the universe knew what she had looked like but after everything that she had done, the decisions she had to make, everything that she had to sacrifice to make sure everyone was safe, there was nothing? Everyone had accepted her death the first time and she dealt with that. She had been launched into space in a suit with a severed oxygen line. Nobody should survive that and technically she didn't. This time though there had obviously been a rescue effort most likely resulting in many lives recovered, but why didn't anyone realize that she could have been one of them? She continued her internal argument for quite a while until she decided that her feelings weren't going to be swayed, it didn't change the fact that she was once again lost. It wasn't anyone's fault and she knew it but she couldn't help how she was feeling. With the threat gone, perhaps she had just lost her fight. She was broken down. The steel will of a commander was simply gone and she sat in a med bay crying over the blank forms laying beside her.

*** Author's Note ***

Bioware owns all - I claim no rights to the characters or anything like that.

This is my first Fanfiction submission so I'm new to the system. Any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated, as I have no Beta.

Thanks so much for reading my work, it is very much appreciated 3


	2. Chapter Two - Freedom

She didn't move very often and the forms that Anaren had given her laid close by but she hadn't been able to bring herself to fill them out. Time moved by slowly and she only ever spent it staring up at the ceiling, counting how many people she could hear moving around on the other side of the thin wall. The fluorescent lights stayed dimmed and the room was always chilled but she still felt hot and the room still seemed much too bright.

She thought to herself idly from time to time, considering the options before her. For once she felt as though there wasn't any sort of rush to make a decision and she was enjoying her newly found freedom. Moving her foot from side to side like a metronome and tapping the end of the bed, she tried to shake off the pain that resonated throughout her entire body. No matter how long she tried to exercise the muscles, the pain didn't cease. The physical therapy that they were sending her through had her up and moving pretty normally but she still hurt all over. She sighed and rolled to her left side, laying her right hand on the neat medical forms. It had been a week since she woke up, she figured Anaren would start pressuring her for this paperwork sooner rather than later and there was no point in putting it off any longer. Looking down she saw the first question and a new sort of pain surged through her body. They were requesting a name. Simple enough to the average person but for her it was a daunting task.

Commander Jane Shepard.

The name carried so much weight; a weight that she felt was now too heavy to carry on her now thin and fragile shoulders. She had thought about reclaiming the name but it seemed fruitless. What good could it possibly bring her? The last time everyone thought she was dead, they brought her back and threw her at the Collectors. What would they throw her at now? Or maybe they wouldn't throw her at anything but into something. Something like a jail cell. Maybe the universe didn't agree with her choices, and thought she ought to pay for her mistakes. She was never one to back down from a fight but this was different. She had paid her dues and made her sacrifices. The universe as a collective had called upon her and she answered in their time of need and did the best that she could, should she not be allowed to take what was left of her life for herself?

With her mind finally made up, she lifted herself off the bed and began forging a new life on the delicate pieces of paper - one of very little responsibility and consequence, one that she felt she had earned. Commander Jane Shepard will finally be dead, and she would stay dead. She thought briefly on the feelings of those closest to her, but quickly dismissed them along with the guilt that followed. It was better for everyone this way. Her death a few years ago tore her closest friends apart, and some of them weren't quick to accept her return. How would they react to a second return, especially if she came back to them with a different face? Not to mention the nasty clone business on the Citadel, they would be much too suspicious at this point and she wouldn't expect anything less from them.

The individual that she worried about the most would surely have newly appointed responsibilities keeping him busy from flying off the deep end again, whether or not he wanted them. She stopped for a moment and smiled at the thought of Garrus Vakarian - decorated war hero. The smile slowly turned sour on her face as she realized that there was a chance that he was dead. The word sat in her stomach like a brick. She pressed on, telling herself that he was alive until she could prove otherwise.

She had just finished filling out the forms when Anaren knocked at the door and let herself in. She looked down at the papers and gently took them in her hands.

"So, we have a name? Miss. . ." her eyes skimmed the papers quickly, "Elizabeth Cooper. Very nice to meet you. Finally. Only took a week, correct?"

The doctor smiled gently and went about her normal work of checking monitors as well as poking and prodding at Elizabeth. The name felt wrong and crawled underneath her skin. She sat there quietly as the doctor proceeded with her work, patently waiting for any news.

Finally, curiosity got the best of her. She looked up at Anaren from underneath her barely-there eyelashes and quietly asked, "What is it like out there?"

Anaren stopped and turned towards her, watching her carefully.

"Out where? We're on Earth, if that is what you're wondering." She turned back to her monitors but continued to speak, "We are alive and learning very quickly how to survive together. Like I had mentioned before, the most pressing issue is long distance space travel at this point. Everyone has been stranded and Earth is essentially over run with. . .visitors. Everyone is working together to rebuild what they can and are given safe refuge in return, so there is at least some form of cooperation at this point. There are enough resources and people to get everyone back into working order and to our respective homes within the next two or three months, they're figuring. That is only if we're working on getting out by ourselves, not if others are trying to reach in to help us. Turian, Asari, Krogan, and Salarian commands are expecting that their best and brightest will be working to send more aid to Earth, if the damage isn't too extensive at home."

She stopped and thought quietly to herself before saying, "Honestly it is bad. Worse than I've ever seen it, but we're doing the best we can. . ."

It wasn't until Anaren placed a hand onto Elizabeth's face that she realized that she had become unresponsive. It was a lot of information to take in and she was stunned to say the least. She had so many follow up questions but knew that she had such a short amount of time with the doctor that she had to narrow everything down in to one question.

She squared her shoulders off and looked directly into Anaren's deep purple eyes and asked, " What about the Reapers?"

The doctor smiled and simply said, "They're all gone. Deactivated, it seems."

It worked. She thought to herself. It actually worked. Of course it did. If it hadn't she would would really be dead, or she would have heard about it.

With a final once over, Anaren looked to have come to a decision. "Well Elizabeth, it looks as though you will survive after all. Congratulations." She smiled and continued, "Next week you'll be free to leave. If you don't have a place to stay, you will be given a spot in the refugee living quarters. You'll be on bed rest for another two weeks after that but then you will be assigned a new job. Make sure they don't put you on anything too physically strenuous. If they do, you turn them back to me."

She left fairly abruptly after that - surely to go attend to another patient. Elizabeth didn't mind though, she had other things to think about. Her heart hurt at the thought of leaving everything she knew behind but for once she was hopeful for her future. She didn't know where she was going or what she would do when she got there, but for the first time in years she could breathe.

*** Author's Notes ***

BIOWARE OWNS ALL - I claim no right to any of the things.

This is my first Fanfiction story so I'm new to all the formatting and posting rules.

I'm going about this a little fast and rough, I have no Beta but I have the story in my head. Any feedback or constructive criticism is much appreciated.

Thanks for reading through my story - Lots of Love,

M.


	3. Chapter Three - Grey

The clothes that she had been given didn't quite fit. The t-shirt was a little too short, the pants were loose on her hips and the jacket draped across her body like a tarp. At least the shoes fit though, and she thought that was good enough. As she and Anaren moved down the hall shoulder to shoulder she peered at her reflection in the windows that they passed. She looked healthier than she did before but still weak and more boyish now than ever. It wasn't horrible though, people had taken to calling her Eli around the hospital and she was finally getting used to it. It was the little things like that that kept her face from looking _too_ grim all the time.

Today was the day that she was being discharged from the hospital that was currently holding her captive. Anaren had gone on about how she ought to be staying longer but from what Eli understood, this hospital was for critical patients only and turnover needed to be quick. Even then she was still surprised that they were pushing her out so soon. She had been in a coma for three months but she guessed that if you were well enough to walk, you were well enough to not be taking up space in a hospital. She would still be on bed rest for two weeks and had daily appointments scheduled at one of makeshift clinics that was apparently right next to her new dwelling, so it wasn't like they were leaving her for dead.

As they approached a set of large double doors, Eli made a quick analysis and braced herself for the worst. She hadn't been able to actually see outside yet, as the hospital had been completely blacked out and boarded up, but from where she stood it looked as though the sun was out but it wasn't really shining.

They stopped only a few feet from the door. Anaren handed her large worn leather backpack full of different items. She looked down and noticed a wad of bright red fabric. Eli looked up at her questioningly.

"I pulled a few strings," she said, "I figured that if anyone would need it, it would be you, I'm guessing that living without hair will get cold at times, especially when you're used to having it. Either way, items such as these are in short supply."

She took the piece of fabric from the bag that Eli was holding and unfolded it, revealing a hat and scarf. Anaren reached out to place the beanie on her head and wrapped the scarf snugly around her neck. They were warm and comfortable - Eli definitely missed having a good amount of hair to keep her warm, but if she hadn't been worried before, she definitely was now. These were winter items, but by her measure it shouldn't be winter at all.

"Okay, outside these doors and just down the road, you'll find a tent," she paused as she reached back into the bag and grabbed a light blue envelope and placed it in Eli's hand. "Find a human named Hansen and give him this. Just listen for loudest person and you've probably found him. He'll make sure someone gets you where you need to go."

She helped Eli get the backpack strapped to her back and then placed a hand lightly on her shoulder, quietly saying goodbye, and then turned to leave. Eli couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed as Anaren walked away, but she pushed the thought to the back of her mind and turned to the double doors once again.

As she stepped closer, she could hear people on the other side. A lot of people, actually. The ringing in her ears had stuck around for a while but had gotten much better over time and were quite capable of hearing once again. She figured then that she must have been near the center of the hospital, as she only ever heard people walking up and down the halls or movement from people in the adjacent rooms. This, however, was very different. This sounded like a crowd. She took a deep breath and pushed the doors in front of her wide open.

Looking around, all she could see was grey.

The words that came to mind were "nuclear winter" but this seemed much worse. Taking a few steps out past the doors and letting them close behind her, she lifted the scarf up to her face to try and protect herself from the rotten air now pouring into her lungs and whipping across her face. She planted her feet and took in her soot-encrusted surroundings.

The streets were littered with debris and the sky looked as though it was ready to drop down and smother what was left of the living. It was no longer the clear blue that she knew it ought to be, but a muddy grey and completely overcast with diseased looking clouds. She hoped that not all of Earth was like this. Anaren had told her that they were in London, which was one of the hardest hit places still considered "standing" on the face of the Earth, but it was also the safest and most well supplied due to the fact that most of the stranded military factions and their supplies had been moved there during the final battles.

She slowly began making her way to a large tan tent that she spotted halfway down the block, kicking up grey dust all around her as she moved and migrating from one side of the street to the other to avoid the larger chunks of fallen building walls blocking her path. As she moved, she began looking at the people walking past her instead of the streets and buildings and noticed something strange. They were all moving about with purpose but like a well-oiled machine they brushed past each other and intertwined with one another but never slowed and never got in each other's way.

She continued, almost in slow motion, through the streets. Pulling her arms in tight to her sides, she tried her hardest to not disrupt the rhythm that the city inhabitants had made for themselves. For once she felt small and unimportant, moving along with the flow of traffic. She knew that, had she been in this situation a few months ago, she would have walked in a straight line with her shoulders wide instead of cowering between a handful of people, moving along with them even if they led her further from her goal than closer to it. She felt ashamed and upset with herself, doubting her decision to not reclaim her name she continued forward until she finally reached the tent.

With a delicate hand, she pushed open the tent door and entered. Anaren was correct when she said that Hansen would be the loudest person in the room, it didn't take more than a few seconds for her to take a guess at which one he was. She watched him for a moment, stomping around the tent going on and on about different little pieces of nonsense topics that were likely of little consequence but he seemed so happy to be doing it and she found it slightly amusing.

He was a taller man and larger around the middle, with a big beard and a shaved head. There was a bounce in his step that was uncharacteristic of a person who initially looked as though he could knock you out with one swift punch but she almost had to smile at the effort he put into his one sided conversations. At the present time, it looked as though he was trying to crack his Turian coworker with his animated description of old human comedy vids, but of course it wasn't working. It was almost like watching a puppy trying to play with a bird that had absolutely no interest in playing and was dead set on pretending like the puppy wasn't even there.

When Hansen had finally noticed her standing in the doorway she was deep in thought. She jumped when he called out a booming hello and she tried to initiate a subtle retreat from the tent when he came rushing towards her in greeting. He was much quicker than she had originally thought and escape had proven impossible as he wrapped a large hand around her wrist and dragged her further into the tent while simultaneously grabbing the blue envelope from her hand.

"What do we have here, a newcomer? Great!" He tore open the envelope and quickly sifted through the enclosed papers. Sitting her down near the Turian he had been bothering earlier, he continued to move about the tent, distributing the various forms to other workers who were nearly buried behind mounds of file folders. None of them seemed particularly pleased to be given even more paperwork but by the time he was done he returned with only one sheet of paper in his hand. Looking down he furrowed his brow and hummed in what seemed like a question.

"It looks like they have you assigned to block seven, that's strange. The first ten blocks are usually reserved for military personnel, where did you say you came from?"

Military quarters? Her heart sank and her hands started shaking, as that was one of the last places she wanted to be. She hadn't spoken this entire time and was a little surprised at the question but she slowly began, "The hospital down the road. I was found on the Citadel and hadn't woken up until just a week or so ago. . ."

He nodded in understanding, "Ah, I see it now. They have you there for the clinic. Well I hope you don't mind spending your time with a whole bunch of jar heads." He looked at the Turian next to her and laughed while giving him a harsh slap on the shoulder, "I suppose Turians wouldn't call them jar heads though, eh? Turian, Asari, Quarian, Human, Salarian; no matter what the slang is, if they're military, they're housed in one of those ten blocks."

The Turian sighed and you could hear a low rumble rising from his chest, clearly not entertained by Hansen. She stared at his chest where she knew the noise was coming from because to her it was a sickeningly sweet sound. She felt her eyes begin to burn as she swallowed the pain that had risen in her own chest. When she felt herself regain control she looked back up at the Turian's face only to notice that he had been staring at her. She quickly looked back at Hansen as he moved to hand the remaining sheet of paper to the Turian, who took it without looking.

"This is Venris, he'll get you to block seven and make sure you have what you need. Communication is slow around here so make sure to ask questions before he runs off, okay?"

She gave Hansen a curt nod and stood quickly, keeping her head low, now embarrassed over her brief staring contest with _Venris_. She could hear him slowly getting to his feet behind her and she waited until he had passed her before she moved again. He stopped near the door and signaled her to come towards him. As she made her approach she noticed just how large he was - he hadn't seemed so big when he was sitting, he was definitely taller than any Turian she had met before. She felt a small part of Commander Shepard come to life again as she tried to straighten up in order to not seem so pathetic by comparison but it didn't help, not even in the slightest way. She was tall for a human female but thin and weak from being in the hospital for so long. When she got to him he made a strange motion with his hand and she simply furrowed her eyebrows in response. She heard the rumble coming from his chest again as he grabbed her shoulder and turned her around.

Hansen was standing where they had left him and he was laughing nearly to the point of tears as he hollered, "He's not much of a talker, that one! Good luck!"

With that she saw Venris pick up what looked like a small bag of supplies and strained to stay standing as he stuffed them into her bag. She felt him cinch up the backpack and with that he gave her a firm push out the door.

***Author's Note***

BIOWARE OWNS ALL - I'm cool with claiming nothing.

Once again, I have no Beta. This is my first fanfiction and actually the first story that I've written, so I really really appreciate everyone who has read it, added it to their favorites, followed it, or sent me messages. Any constructive criticism is always VERY much welcome and I will do my best to answer any questions you may have about the story as well.

Someone has already asked me why they would rebuild Shepard if they didn't know who she was and the answer to that is that she didn't die on the citadel, they just recovered her from the wreckage and did what they could to get her back to full health, like anyone would in such a situation. I do apologize if that wasn't clear in the first chapter, I can always go back and tweak details if need be.

Any suggestions you may have are also greatly appreciated - I am currently trying to hit about 2k words per chapter, but if you think that is still too much or too little, please let me know!

Lots of Love,

M.

P.S. I can't respond to reviews from guests, so if you ask me a question in a review as a guest, I'll give you an answer in this section of the question that you asked.

I JUST got a question on this chapter asking about whether or not Garrus would appear in this fanfiction as a lover and without giving much else away the answer is. . .

***SPOILERS***

yup. . .


	4. Chapter Four - Corpse

Her exit from the tent was anything but graceful and she bumped into at least a half a dozen people before she found her footing in a small, less crowded section of the street. Venris had watched from a distance but soon followed her, nodding to her as he passed, signaling her to follow. He walked as if he was the only person on the street, never changing course or moving aside to let others pass, he never really had to. She watched as people altered their walking paths around the large Turian and looked questioningly at the ones who smiled and offered greetings to him as if they were best friends.

Venris didn't strike her as the type to have best friends, or even many friends in general. He had not said a single word to her as they walked through the streets and it was finally beginning to bother her.

"So," she said, lifting herself up on her toes, trying to get closer so she could make sure he heard her, "How far off is block seven?"

She heard what sounded like a small, gruff grunt but nothing else. She continued to stare at him, convinced that eventually he would give her an answer, but his mouth never moved. He kept walking through the crowd and she followed shortly behind him. Why would Hansen tell her to ask him questions if he knew that Venris wouldn't give her any sort of answer beyond caveman grunts and nods? Was this some sort of joke? She wasn't finding it even remotely amusing and she was just waiting for her temper to get the better of her.

Through furrowed eyebrows, she noticed him looking down at her every now and then. Eventually he seemed to grow tired of the upset look on her face and grabbed her by the arm, pulling her to the side of the street. Once again he reached into her pack and retrieved the bag of supplies that he had placed in there earlier. He sifted through it for a few moments and pulled a small silver object from it. After putting the supplies in her bag once again, he held up his hands in a way that said _everything is going to be okay_ and began reaching for her face.

She immediately tried to pull back from him but he was a little too quick for her as he placed his free hand on the back of her neck to hold her still and then used the other one to slip the silver object- an ear cuff - onto her right ear. She heard a loud beep that rang out for a few seconds and then subsided. It was a communicator, and she should have guessed it, but the only things louder than the sound coming from the ear cuff was the sound of her heart beat, the blood rushing to her head, and the voice of irrational fear bouncing though every corner of her consciousness. Her hands were digging at the armor on his wrists when she finally admitted to herself that she was overreacting.

Venris silently released his strong hold on her neck and waited patiently until she was able to unlatch herself from his wrists. After she had let go he held his hands up in the same gesture as before and bowed his head in what looked like a form of apology. He turned his body away from her and began walking again, watching for just a moment as she pulled the hat further down on her head.

They moved at a steady pace, even as Eli felt her legs begin to ache. There wasn't enough room for her to stand next to him so she followed in single file, thankful for the extra space she was given in his wake as people made room for him in the crowd. She had known that Garrus was considered attractive among the Turians but she wasn't sure about Venris. She pondered the question as she watched him walk along; he was graceful for his size, something that she found surprising. She could see his white markings from where she was, as they wrapped around his face, standing out against his onyx coloring. She tried to recall what color his eyes were; had they been grey? She had barely made eye contact with him but she was sure that they were a gray or blue or some sort of lighter color. Maybe a gold? She found her curiosity getting the better of her and assured herself that she would take a better look later.

They had been walking for quite some time when they turned a corner and Eli stopped dead in her tracks, eliciting some choice words from the people trying to walk behind her. She ignored them and focused on the outline of a Reaper body tearing through the skyline, looming over the destroyed city as if it could come back to life at any moment and turn what remained into dust. Although she knew that it was now just a harmless hunk of scrap metal, its presence was an unwelcome one. She hadn't realized how thick and low the grey clouds were when she left the hospital, as they all but concealed the reaper's corpse, but now that they were a little closer she could tell what it was.

As soon as she recognized the abomination in the distance, she felt Shepard kick back to life once again. _That's right you rat bastard, who gets the last laugh now?_ She reveled in its defeat as she began walking again, allowing the rage and satisfaction of victory consume her from the inside, her eyes never breaking their gaze. It felt as though Life had grasped her by the throat and forced air back into her lungs. She didn't feel as though she was just going through the motions of existing but actually felt alive, vibrant, and ready to tear the metal from that Reaper's god forsaken body with her bare fingers if she had to. It looked as though old habits really did die hard, but the feelings were short lived when she realized that the whole scenario felt wrong.

It still looked like they were a few miles away from it, but she had never felt so close to a Reaper in all her life. She had been face to face with one, of course, but the motives were clear then and her target was obvious. She didn't trust that the Reaper was truly gone and felt as though she needed to be on guard in its presence.

She hadn't noticed that Venris had stopped moving until she had walked past him and he finally called out to her.

"Hey," he said, "Your place is over this way".

Her neck nearly snapped from the speed at which she turned back toward him, his voice tearing her out of the trance she was in. Not only had he finally said something to her but his voice was like nothing she had ever heard before. She slowly began walking back to him, staring intently at his face, noting that his eyes were a sort of silver. She watched his mandibles flicker in distaste as he looked away and let out another low rumble from his chest. She didn't know what his voice would sound like but she certainly hadn't expected what she had just heard, although now that she thought about it, it made complete sense. His voice was incredibly deep but it floated through the air along with his natural harmonics as clear as day. It matched his large structure and fluid motions perfectly. She also now understood why he didn't really talk all too much, especially if all humans reacted similarly to Eli. You just didn't hear a voice like that. Ever.

He ushered her down an alley so narrow that two people could barely walk past each other shoulder to shoulder without having to pivot one way or the other to make room. She had just started getting a little too frustrated with tripping over other people and some small boulders that nobody had really cared to clear out when they finally broke free of the confining space and reached a sort of town square.

She took a deep breath and placed her hands on her hips simply to acknowledge that she now had the space to stretch out a little, and then took a moment to look around. This section of the city was actually relatively intact - perhaps it was because the only entry was through an ally about as wide as a bendy straw, but she didn't dwell on it. Every now and then a building along the row was completely demolished but the majority of them remained standing with only a few aesthetic issues to speak of.

She saw Venris unfold the sheet of paper that Hansen had handed off to him and look at it quizzically. After a little bit he seemed to get his bearings and walked past her once again, giving his signature grunt and nod to follow. Not too far down the road he stopped in front of one of the tallest buildings in the square and pushed open the heavy wooden door. She looked inside and was surprised at the state of the house in general. It was mostly bare but fairly clean and she felt as though the world behind her could quite possibly not exist anymore.

Venris looked at a sheet tacked to the wall near the house entry and quietly said, "Looks like you're on the top floor, all the way down the hall" and he began to leave.

Eli's arms dropped to her sides and she stood in shock for a moment. "Hey, wait. I have questions for you, you haven't said a damned thing the whole way here and nobody has actually given me any information."

She saw his shoulders droop significantly as he turned around and headed up the stairs, apparently leading her to her living quarters.

"So, how long do I stay around here?"

"Until you want to leave, but I'll tell you right now that trying to get anywhere isn't worth the effort. There are a lot of people trying to get places and not enough tech to get them there. That communicator is about all the tech you'll get until long distance space travel has been reestablished."

The stairs seemed to go on forever and she was already tired from the walk. Physical therapy or no, she still didn't have much in the way of muscles and her body began to argue with her. The weakness crying out from her body was distressing as she stopped halfway up a flight of stairs to rest for a moment.

"My turn," he said as he stopped along with her, "What were you doing up on the Citadel and how in the hell did you make it out alive? Now, I'm not positive, but you may be the only person who was up there that survived. You're definitely the only one I've heard of, and I hear most things."

She looked up at him in shock and stumbled for words, it was an abrupt question followed by information that would have been more useful earlier in the day. She had never cared to ask anyone at the hospital anything, she was just coping with the fact that she was alive. She hadn't been ready for anything else.

"I . . . I was just there . . . and then I woke up in a hospital. I don't really know what happened."

She began to panic as he looked her over a few times, clearly trying to tell if she was lying or not and seemed to give up pretty quickly. As he turned away and started up the stairs again, her mind began to race. She was the only one? Was she really the only one? There's no way, and if it was true she was sure it was due to the Cerberus implants.

The Cerberus implants. They should have noticed them at the hospital, there are very few people that have that much tech in their body, someone would definitely ask questions if they saw them. Her heart began to race for different reasons as she took on the stairs once again. Anaren knew. She had to know. Unless the damage had been purely cosmetic, there's no way it could have been missed by anyone with even the lowest level of medical or common knowledge. How could she be so blindingly stupid? She was immediately back on guard. She was placed in the _military_ quarters by chance? Yeah, right. She had every reason to trust that she had been found out and it sent her mind reeling and her heart into despair. All she could do was hope that Anaren had kept her mouth shut and everything up to this point was purely coincidence.

Finally, they had reached the top of the stairs after what felt like an eternity of climbing. Eli had broken a sweat and was breathing heavily but she continued to the end of the hall and pushed open the door that she assumed was hers.

The room was exactly what she had expected; small and plain. It was only as wide as the bed was long but it did have a small table and chair. She pulled the bag from her back and tore the hat, scarf, and jacket off her body so she could begin to cool off again. As she sat down on the bed she signaled for Venris to sit on the chair across from her.

The room seemed to get even smaller with him in it but they settled in nonetheless.

"You should keep that to yourself then . . . coming from the Citadel, that is," he said to her as he rested his elbows on his knees.

She nodded lightly and moved quickly to the next topic of conversation.

"Okay, so I can stay or go. If I stay, what do I do? Anaren said I would get a job but who do I get it from?"

"There's a map with those supplies I gave you, everything is marked on it. Block seven has a central building; I think they call it Town Hall. The people there will be able to find you something."

"Food? Showers? Supplies?"

"Town Hall"

"I'm guessing that most of the answers to my questions will be the same?"

"Yes, pretty much everything you need is in one spot."

"Okay, fine. So, onto bigger questions. Nobody told me what happened . . . at the end. Do you know?"

He looked at her and nodded his head in understanding and began, "Well you know about the Reapers. Long story short, we all fought together and we won. It's pretty simple."

"How many dead?"

"Countless."

"What about the Alliance?"

"They were hit just as bad as everyone else, nothing special to really report."

He shrugged and leaned back into his chair, crossing his arms. Only a few seconds passed before he started up again.

"Yeah, they've been able to track down all the ships except for one; the Normandy."

She felt the blood drain from her face and she wanted nothing more than to scream at him to continue. Instead, she didn't move, she just waited. This was the first time that anyone had mentioned the Normandy and so far it didn't sound good.

"It sounds like the ship and its crew disappeared. Some people figure it was probably incinerated. The last time anyone knew where it was, it had been waiting close by the Citadel when it went off. They had said something about Commander Shepard and then the comms dropped."

He stopped again and she didn't make a sound. They had waited for her, but now what? Because of that they were _incinerated_? The guilt came in waves as she remembered being upset that nobody had come to find her and that she woke up alone, always denying the possibility that they hadn't made it. Deep down she still denied it, her crew was better than that. They had to be alive.

"Either way, nobody should have been able to get very far from Earth when the Citadel lit up, but it's been over three months and they haven't found anything. At the very least, they should have found the pieces."

They didn't say anything for a while and the silence began to get uncomfortable. The news of her missing crew left a bitter taste in her mouth and she didn't care to hear any more that day. Eventually Venris stood and shuffled about the room awkwardly before reaching for her pack one last time in order to pull out the map he had mentioned earlier and spread it across the table. She watched as his strange hands pressed the paper flat in order to tap a small section of it.

"Two blocks north and one block east. Third floor, first door on the left. You can find me there if you need anything."

And with that he was gone.

She stood and looked out grime-encrusted window of her very small room; at first to watch him leave and then to take in the view. She pressed her forehead against the cool glass and let out a small cry of anger when she noticed the Reaper corpse that she had seen earlier staring back at her. She began grinding her teeth and pressing the knuckles of her right hand into the rough, dry wall.

In one fit of fury and rage she cried out and grabbed anything within arm's reach to throw it as far as she could in the limited space that she had. The pack had been her victim and it burst open upon impact with the wall, scattering everything that she owned across the floor. Her chest rose and fell as her breathing became strained and she had to sit back down on the bed before she passed out.

She could still see the Reaper from where she was and she didn't even fight the tears. The small amount of hope that she had back at the hospital earlier that morning was completely gone and had been replaced with pure dread. She had been through worse but all of her former issues could usually be handled with brute force and she always had backup if she wanted it. She felt just as alone now as she did when she first woke up in the hospital and she couldn't fake it any longer.

She was in a bad situation and she knew it.

***AUTHORS NOTES***

BIOWARE OWNS ALL - I claim no rights, and I'm cool with it.

WARNING: RATING IS MOVING UP. We're getting to sections with more dialog so the naughtier words are coming into play. There may be a point when we move to M, but as of right now I feel as though a T is appropriate.

UGH, this chapter took twice as long to write and I'm getting to the more involved sections of the story, but it is very exciting. I've gotten so much great feedback on this work so far and I cannot express how excited I am that people are enjoying it. Really, thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and give me feedback where applicable, I am just so happy to be sharing with the community.

Still no Beta, so the chapters aren't perfectly formatted.

After publishing this chapter, I will assume a regular schedule of posting once a week on Wednesdays because a chapter a day is unrealistic now that we're starting to get into the thick of it. This will give me more time to write the chapters and hand them off to a pretty little Beta and so I can make sure that I am putting forward my best work for everyone's enjoyment (hopefully I can find a Beta in time for next week's chapter, ha!) I figure it can be a hump day gift to get everyone (including myself) to get us through to Friday.

Once again, thank you all so much for the support; I look forward to hearing your feedback on future work as well.

Lots of Love,

M.


	5. Chapter Five - Heart

It had been nearly a week since Venris had dropped her off at block seven, but it felt like a year. Anytime that she wasn't spending going to the clinic - conveniently located right next to town hall, what a surprise - was spent in her room staring at the wall, her back to the Reaper in the window. Ignoring its presence felt better than the anger unleashed every time she saw it.

It always took her by surprise. She had anticipated something a little more along the lines of relief or satisfaction, similar to the way she felt when she first saw it looming over the landscape, but with her crew still missing she couldn't enjoy her victory - their victory. Not yet.

She let her mind wander, day in and day out, pondering the questions that needed answering and dwelling on the decisions that she made. She sat inside herself, fully aware of where she should go or what she ought to be doing, but she never made a move. She couldn't find a reason. Anaren was a threat which should have been addressed days ago, but so what if she was found out? She had nothing to hold on to now that both the Reapers and her crew were gone, so she found herself bouncing back and forth on whether or not she cared if anyone knew who she really was. Survivor's guilt didn't suit her in the slightest.

There wasn't a pattern to these thoughts, but they always ended in the same place - she could imagine the look on Garrus' face if he knew what she was doing. She had left him once before and he still found reasons to fight, what was wrong with her? The great Commander Shepard, _His_ Commander Shepard, rolling over and doing nothing? The disappointment she imagined would be etched across his face tore her heart in two every time she thought about it. At this point the fragments were immeasurable.

When she finally couldn't take it anymore, she sighed and rolled over in the bed; kicking her legs off the side of it and sitting up. The ground was cold and hard under her feet and the air was still thick from the pollution that slowly leaked into the building. She could see the dust and dirt particles floating through the air before her and watched as they stuck to anything they touched.

She rose from the bed and approached the map she had laying out on the table. She knew exactly where she was but she had no idea where she had come from. If she had to guess, she was thinking that the hospital Anaren was in would be south, but she knew that she could have easily been turned around a time or two. Even if the building was indeed south, she could see that the streets twisted and turned at nearly every intersection and the general idea of _South_ was just too broad to manage. As far as hospitals went though, there were dozens scattered across the map in every direction. She really could have come from anywhere and it would likely take her weeks to search on foot.

With that, she quickly recalled a Turian finger tapping at the map now underneath her own hands. _Two blocks north, one block east. Third floor, first door on the left_ , she thought to herself. Venris was the answer and she hoped that he would be there when she arrived. She looked at the map one last time and quickly folded up, stuffed it in her pants pocket, heaved the oversized jacket they gave her onto her body, and wrapped the red scarf around her neck.

She stopped for a moment before putting the hat on, running her fingers along her forehead, down to the place behind her ear where she used to tuck her hair; an old habit that still turned up every now and then. It was growing back slowly, but it was still nothing substantial. She allowed herself to mourn the loss for another fraction of a second and quickly pulled the hat down tightly on her barren head, scolding herself for being sad over something so unimportant. There were more pressing matters to be concerned with and she had been complacent for far too long. Just minutes later she was out her door and down the stairs.

She still couldn't move very quickly, but she had gotten much better at travelling with the crowds and weaving between the people who were taking a slower pace. It was around mid day so there were a lot of people out on the streets, most of them with work to do. All of the traffic was kicking up more dust than usual and the air had gotten drier since she was first released from the hospital, making the wind even more violent while it raked its way across her face. Her eyes began watering but she was able to save herself from a coughing fit by using her scarf as a filter again. She took a second to look up at the sky in the hopes that the grey clouds would show any signs of breaking but they were just as thick as ever; barely letting the sunlight through.

It took only a few minutes to get to the area the Venris lived, she never realized how close he really was; according to the map, it was still technically in block seven, but this section of it didn't feel nearly as welcoming as hers. Dark eyes peered at her as she moved to the only building on the street tall enough for Venris' third floor living quarters and quickly let herself inside.

She moved up the stairs quietly and counted the floors as she passed them. When she finally hit the third floor, she turned to the very first door on the left and gave it a small knock. Although there was no answer, the door opened slightly and she able to see into the dark room.

". . .Venris? Hello?"

She called out to him but heard no response, the only sounds being that of the people in the streets below. She knocked again and pushed the door open further, letting what little light there was in the hallway spill into the dark room. She waited again, heard nothing and saw nobody. Slowly, she turned to leave, but quickly noticed a large figure behind her. In an act of pure instinct, she threw her elbow back, trying to make contact with the figure's body but was quickly stopped short as they reached around her to grab her by the wrist.

As she began to panic, she turned quickly to the side and lifted her right leg to try and kick the figure away but there was no moving them. Her muscles cried out in weakness and the adrenaline began surging through her veins in an uncontrollable wave, but it was of little help. She heard noises coming from the figure but couldn't make them out over the ringing in her ears. Almost as quickly as it began, the encounter came to a complete stop as she noticed that both of her wrists were being held tightly and immovably in front of her.

"ELI!"

The sound of her adopted name tore through the air and woke her from the panic induced stupor she had found herself in, yet again. All she could see were silver eyes, surrounded by the warm onyx skin tone that she now recognized and then it was all gone again; lost to the tears now beginning to blur her vision. The adrenaline had been too much and too unexpected. Her body wasn't used to it anymore, and she looked to the floor in shame as it betrayed her.

Venris hummed an almost begrudging sort of apology and slowly let her go once he felt sure that she was done with her assault. He shook his head back and forth, unaware of what he ought to be doing in this scenario and settled for placing a hand on Eli's shoulder in an attempt to comfort her.

Of all the feelings that she could have responded with, anger reigned supreme once again and she pushed his hand away, eliciting a small noise from him that she could only count as embarrassment. After a moment of silence, Venris decided to speak up.

"Any more muscle behind that and you would have done some damage."

 _Just you wait._ She thought to herself, but she gave a silent nod and quietly pulled the map out of her pocket and unfolded it. She held it out in between them as she tried to blink away the few remaining tears in her eyes while berating herself internally; _You overgrown child, what in the hell is wrong with you? Crying? Really? You're stronger than that, this was nothing. Let's just get what we need and get out of here._

"I was just here for . . . could you just show me where I can find the hospital where they had me before? I don't know which one it was."

Venris stole the map from her hands and walked into his room, tossing it onto what looked like a desk and walking to the far ends of the darkness to pull away the makeshift blinds from in front of the windows across the room, littering it with the day's gloomy grey light. The space took up half of the building's floor and appeared to be completely untouched by the outside world. She stayed in the hallway until he signaled her in with a fluid motion of his hand. It looked to have been someone's study at one point or another and she couldn't help but run her fingers along the spines of the books placed neatly on a shelf as she passed it. It was absolutely nothing compared to where she lived and she found it confusing.

Venris noticed her questioning looks and answered promptly, "When this housing situation began, it was first come, first serve. This was the first place I walked into so I kept it." He paused for a brief moment, looked around the room and continued, "All of this would have been looted and sold otherwise," he turned his face back down to the map, "I'm just keeping it safe for the owners for now . . ."

"It's been months . . . do you think they're coming back?"

He didn't even acknowledge the question and simply circled a spot on the map with a pen that he had pulled from the desk. Afterwards, he moved to a couch on the opposite side of the room and sat quietly. She went to the desk to pick up the map and folded it carefully once again and placed it in her pocket.

"Hey," she said, "I didn't mean to . . . I mean, I'm sorry that I . . ."

He waved his hand in the air carelessly as if saying that it didn't matter, and she took it as such. Relaxing a little bit, she gave a small wave and headed for the door.

"I could stop by in the morning," he said, as if he didn't expect her to hear it.

"What was that?"

"I'm headed over there first thing in the morning and it's easy to get lost, even with a map. I'll bring you to the hospital, you can do what you need to do, I'll do what I need to do, and then I'll bring you back. Honestly, it would be better that way. Most areas are good but if you get lost in one of the bad ones, well, you probably understand."

It was the most that she had ever heard him talk but she was beginning to understand why there were so many people greeting him on the street that first day. She moved across the room and sat on the couch next to him, her legs folded up underneath her and her body turned towards him. Slowly, she summed him up and decided to speak freely.

"What is it that you do over in Hansen's tent?"

"Exactly what I helped you with a few days back. I get people to their new homes, but I also run errands for Hansen and settle . . . I think humans call the domestic disputes. We just try to keep everyone in place and at peace."

"How did you get stuck doing that?"

"When you're Turian Military, you go where you're told. That is what I did."

She watched as he spoke and she knew he was lying on one level or another, he liked what he did and she could tell. Even as they sat there, she was in his shadow. He was large and intimidating but he had a good heart. She wondered briefly if Garrus would approve of him or if this kindness she saw was a flaw by Turian standards. Even she knew that the former occupants of his living quarters were likely to never return, but here he was, guarding their belongings as if he had been entrusted with the task.

She would have liked having him on the Normandy, she thought.

"What will you do when this is all over?"

He thought for a moment and responded, "When the Turian military goes home to Palaven, I will go with them. What about you?"

"I have nothing. No home, no family, no plan. I'll probably just find work wherever I can and live out the rest of my life . . ."

"No home? You're on Earth, couldn't you just return to wherever it is you grew up? You likely have a relative or two somewhere."

She smiled to herself and held in a small, resentful laugh. "My people come from here, I do not. I had a very small family and they are nowhere to be found now. I belong with the stars and it seems as though they have swallowed my life whole. I have nowhere, and no one to return to."

Her thoughts travelled back to the Normandy once again, and realized just how much she really did miss it, the pain was unbearable. She would have given anything to have it all back.

She stood from the couch and headed towards the door. "I'll see you in the morning then," she said to him as she left.

The sun set quickly in the evening and she had just barely made it back to her living quarters before it had gotten too dark. She looked out her window at the Reaper once again; now just barely visible in the distance. She walked a thin line and tomorrow she could easily fall one way or the other but she knew what she had to do.

As she undressed and crawled onto the hard mattress, she allowed her mind to wander. Her crew was the last thing she saw before she slipped into a restless sleep.

*** Author's Notes ***

BIOWARE OWNS ALL - I claim no right to any of the things.

This chapter was a bit slow but I promise that it's leading somewhere - all hell breaks loose in the next chapter and I'm hoping that it will all even out in the end. I always feel like pacing is a make-or-break factor in a fanfiction and I feel like we need to let Shepard get her footing back a little bit before we can go throwing other things at her.

Still no Beta - I wanted someone who knows Mass Effect and those seem to be in short supply, so I'm still error checking these all myself - hopefully I'm not missing too much.

Thank you again to anyone who has favorited, followed, and reviewed the story so far, I really appreciate the support.

Lots of Love,

Wreade


	6. Chapter Six - Tag

She waited for him out on the front step of the building that she lived in and watched as the small street slowly came to life. Before the typical hustle began in the morning, the road was empty and the houses looked to be abandoned. For some reason, even the wind and dust seemed to sleep with the sun, as the morning was clear and quiet. The air still smelled of ash and every now and then she could see small gusts of wind pulling the dust from the ground and flinging it into the air, but it was still nothing compared to what some of the days had been. Two days prior, she could barely see the buildings across the street from her. It would be years upon years before the city would be clean again, and she knew it.

His heavy footsteps could be heard pacing down the next street before Venris came into view around the corner. She gave him a small smile in greeting and walked to meet him in the road. They were able to set a steady pace and with the streets having yet to fully wake, they were able to walk side by side.

Pulling information from Anaren was going to be a challenge, but dealing with what she may have to say could potentially be worse. She was almost positive that the Asari knew exactly who she was, which pressed the question of why the Alliance hadn't broken down the door to her living quarters yet.

She stared at her feet for a time after they turned another corner and made a note to bring her clothes to the washing area that night. Dull dust coated her from the toes to her knees and further up yet. She idly brushed what she could from the cloth on her thighs but made very little progress.

"Yeah, you'll get used to that," Venris said. She hadn't noticed him looking and tried to pretend like it didn't matter to her as he continued, "Everyone is coated in the stuff around here - try not to feel too self conscious about it."

The walk seemed shorter altogether this time and she found herself standing in front of a familiar tent within an hour of leaving her street. Venris made a nod towards the building she now recognized as the hospital. A small set of chills ran down her back in anticipation and she turned to leave.

"I'll meet you by the front doors in about an hour, don't wander off."

She nodded in understanding and took off down the street, leaving him standing in the street. He watched until he saw her enter the building safely and then ducked inside the tent.

The hospital was cold and clean, even the ash smell seemed to be less substantial there, but it was still dark in the hallway. Her footsteps echoed off the walls as she made her way through the building, looking for anyone who could help her find Anaren. It didn't take long before she came across a small human female that helped her, despite her obvious hesitation.

She was led down a narrow hallway until they arrived at a heavy looking office door. The female knocked lightly before pushing it open to let Eli into the room. Anaren was sitting behind a desk and seemed very unimpressed with the unannounced visit, putting the papers in her hand down onto the desk neatly.

"Greetings Eli, what brings you back? Please, take a seat."

She paced over to the chair closest to Anaren, sat down carefully and waited until she could hear the door snap shut behind the girl who had brought her there. Now that she was face to face with Anaren, she could tell that something was off. She hadn't been surprised or alarmed that she had returned, almost as if she had been expecting it for some time, and Eli was too dazed when she left the hospital to notice Anaren's demeanor towards her. She decided not to worry about the pleasantries and skipped right to the point.

"Can I ask about what happened when I was found?" She watched the Asari straighten in her chair and waited for a nod before continuing, "Who was a part of the Citadel rescue?"

"Only myself and maybe a dozen other party members. We were the initial response team, but only one trip was needed when saw the state of things."

"Did you find any other survivors?"

Anaren hesitated then and sighed, admitting, "No, you were the only one. We were able to recover the bodies of a few other people but yours was the only one with a pulse."

"Do you know how or why I survived? Had I been sheltered by something? Where did you find me?"

Anaren pressed her lips together in a flat line and nodded slowly, obviously deep in thought. When she seemed to have come to a decision, she looked up to Eli and spoke plainly, "No, you weren't shielded by anything, you were pretty well out in the open . . . my best guess is that your saving grace was all the cybernetic implants I found scattered throughout your body . . ."

Eli's blood ran cold and she felt it drain from her face; the choices she had in front of her were cut down in number and she had to think fast. She continued staring at Anaren as she reached down to the drawer behind her desk and pulled it open. Metal pieces clanking together made an audile sound as Anaren lifted something from the drawer and placed it down on the desk.

Eli's hand shook as she reached forward to reclaim the dog tags, her teeth grinding together while trying to keep her mind centered. It was just as bad as she had originally anticipated; she was found out and confused as to why she hadn't been given back to the Alliance Military immediately. She looked up at Anaren, holding a stone expression as she was entirely finished with playing games.

Quietly she asked, "Who knows?"

Anaren stood up and circled around the desk, sitting down on top of it across from Eli.

"Just myself and a few other trusted parties," She reassured her.

"Why? What gave you the right? How would you know if I wanted to be kept hidden?"

"I'm not sure that I could put my explanation into words. Everyone had heard of Commander Shepard; the first human Spectre entrusted with command over the Normandy. I had spent years hearing whispers of her achievements, death, and apparent resurrection," she shook her head back and forth smiling again, "It all seemed impossible. I think humans call such things _Larger than Life_ , but then suddenly she was there. Really there. Rallying sworn enemies together in order to fight against something that would have been unimaginable had we not personally laid witness to the destruction that they caused. She was impossible and she saved the universe from the impossible. The humans now call her a Titan, but even Titans need protecting sometimes"

"Nobody had come looking for me? The Alliance?"

"Of course people came looking for you - Alliance brass and all, but like I said, we technically had no way of proving who you were. The only evidence they could rely on at the time is now resting in your hand, and I kept it hidden."

Eli stood and began screaming, "Do you have any idea what this means? If they found out that I'm here and I didn't go straight to them, I could be tried for desertion! Depending on how pissed they are, they could probably bring you in too for not releasing me to them right away, what in the hell were you thinking, Anaren!?" She placed her hands on the Asari's shoulders and squeezed them as tightly as her still-weak muscles would allow, trying to make this individual understand just how screwed they could both be. "Why. I still don't understand your reasoning, please, you have to explain."

She paused and then looked at Eli once again, almost in a pleading manner. "You could have told us right away when you woke up, but you didn't! If you had, we could have called it a mistake and nothing would have been questioned; you could have found a way to prove your identity and I could have played the idiot . . . Even now I stand by my decisions, no matter the consequences. As far as an explanation goes, I don't know if anything I ever say will be good enough, but if you'll let me . . . " she began reaching out to Eli, "I'll show you."

She had nothing left to lose and was desperate for clarification, so she leaned into the touch and looked straight into the eyes of the Asari who had kept her a secret for months, hoping that the decisions made could truly be justified by both parties. Solemnly, Anaren spoke those familiar words and the world around them melted away.

"Embrace eternity."

She found herself back in London, and she knew right away that this is the night that the war was won. Everything was moving so quickly but it was all in such fine detail that it almost seemed to be in slow motion at the same time. Kodiaks were flying overhead and getting shot down like they were paper airplanes. The explosions and falling shrapnel were insignificant compared to the chaos on the ground, the haze of battle masking the small details and numbing the pain of casualties.

There were enemies surrounding the area where she stood and she could see Anaren on the ground, covered in the blood of what looked like any and every race she knew of. As the battle continued, Anaren did her best to keep hidden behind vehicles while hovering over a downed Krogan, attempting to stop him from bleeding out on the pavement, but they were getting collapsed in upon. A hades cannon was making its way down the street, while banshees and husks came swarming into the streets in waves. She looked down at Anaren again and watched as she embraced the Krogan, as though she had surrendered to the fate the goddess had written to her. She could see the sorrow wash over her gentle features when suddenly, with a flash of light, the sky turned red.

Eli's eyes snapped to the sky above her as she realized what was happening. She had only ever seen flames at the time but from afar a red haze covered the sky like an aurora, and then a pulse of pure destruction came rushing from the light source. As the Earth was painted red, the light dragging its way across every inch of ground, Eli noticed a falling silence and everything seemed to stop. She looked back down at Anaren and her Krogan patient as she too noticed the silence and stood to look at her surroundings. The hades cannon was no longer moving and the enemies that had been closing in on them were gone. She took a moment to look up at the sky before returning to the Krogan still on the ground.

The scene broke and she now found herself surrounded by charred walls, floors, and ceilings. It took her a few seconds to realize that not all of the burnt piles of debris were a part of the fallen walls, but contained bits and pieces of destroyed organic bodies. She had seen it before but her heart sunk and her stomach turned. Despite the horrors placed in front of her, Anaren trudged through the environment as if she had been born to do so. Her team had spread out to look through the derelict landscape but most of them searched half-heartedly, knowing they would likely find nothing.

Eli finally recognized then that they were on the Citadel and it had been completely destroyed.

She had been following Anaren's movements closely when she noticed a pile of debris shift. Lying there, barely breathing, she could see herself. She admitted then that even she could barely recognize herself. She watched as Anaren rushed to her side and began a careful inspection, immediately noticing the tags that hung from her neck. The Asari stopped for a second, turned them in her gloved hand and swiftly tore them from her neck, hid them in her pocket and started yelling for the rest of her team to come help. The world faded out again as she watched them pull her out from the wreckage.

When she opened her eyes again, Anaren was staring back at her intently, tears just barely filling the corners of her large eyes. She removed her hands from Eli's face and stood, ending the motion in an Alliance Military salute.

"The Krogan?"

"He survived, thanks to you."

"Why didn't you tell me that you knew who I was right away so we could have talked about this?"

Anaren broke the salute and smiled down at her, "You earned the right to decide which path you take now, and I am dedicated to giving it to you, no matter what may become of me. Nobody knows what you did on the citadel, but most everyone knows that the victory came from your actions. You protected us, and I chose to protect you, even if I didn't quite get the face right."

She stopped again and frowned, "There's something else to take into consideration . . . there is opposition. Some people think that you did more damage than good." The tears were now streaming down the Asari's face, "Most people will find someone to blame for their pain and suffering, even when they should just be thankful that they're still alive. I know. I know it wasn't my place, but if I could, I wanted to keep you from them and from the people who would put you back on the battlefield without giving you an option. Don't you think that, for once, someone should defend your rights too?"

"But the medical records, someone will find out at one point or another . . ."

"I don't know what you're talking about ma'am; we have no paperwork for you whatsoever. You were never a patient here."

"You can't keep everyone at the clinic silent too, though."

"They don't know where you came from, they only know that you are currently suffering from muscle degradation and malnutrition. According to their records, you bypassed going to a major hospital and were assigned straight to a clinic."

She stared Anaren in disbelief. A split second decision to pull the dog tags from her burnt body and then the dedication of keeping it all a secret was astounding and definitely illegal in more ways than one, but she really didn't seem to care. She had given Eli her freedom if she really wanted it, and all the choices were really hers.

Not knowing any other appropriate action, she stood and stepped closer to Anaren, wrapping her arms around the Asari and pulling her into a tight hug.

Once again they found themselves shoulder to shoulder, facing the double doors that stood as the exit of the hospital. Eli couldn't find words to thank Anaren and simply gave her hand another tight squeeze. She placed the dog tags around her own neck and tucked them under her shirt the scarf for safe keeping.

When she stepped out the door, Venris was leaning against a nearby wall, clearly waiting for Eli to emerge from the building. When he saw her, he looked her over, turned to Anaren as they both exchanged a nod and then Venris straightened into an Alliance salute while trying to be as discrete as possible. She should have guessed that he was in on the whole thing. As she walked away from Anaren, she heard her whisper something just under her breath.

"You have allies here, Commander Shepard."

As she approached Venris, he lowered the salute and she placed one hand on his forearm in a thanks. They began walking back to block seven in complete silence. If there was anything that she could truly be grateful for today, it was Venris' dedication to only speaking when necessary. It was strange to think it, but she realized that Venris was something like a bodyguard. It definitely explained why he had been so patient with her, even when she had inadvertently broken into his room. Given time, she would be able to fend for herself again, but she took comfort in the fact that she now had two people that she felt she could trust. Brief thoughts of her crew flashed through her head and she fought the urge to dwell on her missing companions for the time being.

Her thoughts bounced back and forth inside her head, pushing her emotions every which way. She had choices to make and the freedom to actually make them, but there weren't any factors that brought her closer to a decision. She had gotten no closer to a decision when she heard a familiar thrum off in the distance. Eli looked toward the Reaper corpse, where the sound seemed to be coming from, and her heart stopped.

As if the momentary thought of her crew had triggered a chain of events, she noticed a familiar shape in the sky, almost concealed by the clouds but clear as day to someone who wanted nothing more than to see it. The Normandy had returned and was dropping down to Earth as if it had never been missing.

Without hesitation, she broke into a sprint.

*** AUTHORS NOTES ***

BIOWARE OWNS ALL - I claim no rights to any of the things

SURPRISE CHAPTER THURSDAY!

I got too excited for this one, I couldn't wait a week and I thought that you shouldn't either.

HA! I had two of my followers/reviewers guess really closely at what was going to happen and I've got mixed feelings on the whole subject. Is it too obvious, or am I framing the story just enough to hint? The narrative is aiming to clue the reader in a little bit more while still keeping the character in the dark, so I hope that's what is going on here.

Same as always, I appreciate the reviews and follows - It really means a lot to me that people are enjoying the story.

See you all next Wednesday!

Lots of Love,

Wreade


	7. Chapter Seven - Homecoming

Her lungs burned with every inhale as the ash that hung in the air tore its way down her throat and her legs cried out in pain with every step but she continued still. She could hear Venris trailing behind her as she ignored his calls for her to stop or slow down and breaking free from his every attempt to grab her wrist or shoulder as he tried to get her attention. All Eli could focus on was the ship slowly making its way to Earth a little ways off in the distance, and this could be her only chance to see her crew before they all scattered. She needed to see them, to know that they were all alright. She needed to know if Garrus was alright.

Even when pushing herself to the very limit of her weakened physical capabilities, Eli didn't make it far at all and she knew that she had taken the wrong road once or twice. The Normandy was out of view and she could feel the opportunity slipping away. Her legs were shaking and her lungs were straining to pull in oxygen. Sooner rather than later, she had no choice but to slow her pace in order to lean against a wall as she dry heaved in response to the physical strain. Venris was in front of her in seconds, hands hovering by her shoulders and face distorted with what she assumed was concern, as he looked her over to make sure she was alright.

"You need to slow down, Eli. You're going to do more harm than good."

"Get me to the Normandy," she said, tears welling up in her eyes, "Get me to my ship."

He shook his head back and forth and spoke low, "What then? What will you do when we get there? You chose to hide yourself when you woke up, do you plan on exposing yourself after only a few weeks?"

She was hit with a coughing fit that triggered more dry heaving, and it took all of her strength to keep standing. Determined, she looked up at him as the tears broke free and began to stream down her face, "I need your help, Venris. Take me to my crew, please . . . please . . ."

Her eyes continued to plead with him as she breathed heavily, grabbing at his collar to make sure that he held eye contact with her. She needed him to listen to her, and after a moment of silence he sighed, glancing down to the ground. Looking up again, he noticed just how weak she looked and how pale she had gotten in the short time that they had been running. Deciding that she truly couldn't move any further, he reached up to pull the scarf over her nose and mouth, and then circled around to her side. With one seemingly effortless hoist, she was in his arms and they were moving down the road at a nearly doubled pace.

His dark armor dug into her skin but she was thankful that he hadn't given her much in the way of arguments. There wasn't anything that mattered to her more than seeing the Normandy and its crew, and he had to have known somewhere that that was the only thing driving her to draw breath when the days were so bleak and hopeless. She wrapped her arms around his neck to try and make herself seem a little lighter in his arms and she couldn't help but feel like a child once again.

She looked back up towards where she had seen the ship before and hoped that the Normandy wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon. It had disappeared behind the city skyline minutes ago so she no longer had a gauge on how far out they were but she worried with every step that Venris took that they would leave just as quickly as they had showed up. Looking up at Venris she admired the concentration in his eyes as he focused on their path, she was right to have thought that he would have been a good crew member.

She didn't look away from his face until she noticed that they had slowed down and the street had gotten even more crowded. Everyone had seen the Normandy - one of the most recognizable ships of their time - of course they would all want to know what was going on. Venris carefully placed her on the ground in front of him and kept one heavy hand on her shoulder, guiding her through the crowd. His arms reached out before them, trying to get everyone to move out of their way. She was happy that he had the reputation that he did; as soon as people noticed who was tapping them on the shoulder, they stepped aside almost immediately.

As they kept moving forward, she could see a clearing behind the buildings just in front of them and her heart began to pound harder in her chest, threatening to make its way to the outside world. She reached up to grab the hand that Venris' kept on her shoulder and curled inward closer to his body, trying to make their combined space smaller in the hopes that they could push through the crowd faster. She was nearly in a full panic when they finally made it past the buildings and she saw the Normandy in the clearing.

Completely held in shock, she couldn't hear a sound and her body had gone completely numb as they kept pushing to the front of the crowds gathered around the Normandy. She reached an arm out, yearning to just touch the cool metal in order to acknowledge that she wasn't imagining it. At this point it felt like more of a ghost than anything; she never thought she would see the Normandy again. Now all she needed to know was who was still on the ship.

Suddenly the sound of an airlock being released snapped her out of her train of thought and her eyes focused on the section of the ship that was about to open. Without thinking she began moving forward, legs still shaking and head spinning. Venris' free hand moved to her stomach to try and hold her in place as he leaned in and whispered with an edge of panic.

"Think about what you're doing."

For her, there was no question of what she was doing but nonetheless, she stopped in her tracks. Venris was right and she would let him be her voice of reason for the time being. All that mattered was that her crew was alright, she could make other decisions later down the line.

As if on cue, the airlock finally opened and there was silence in the square as everyone waited for the crew to emerge. Slowly, one by one, her crew came out from the darkness and into the grey dim light of the day; Kaidan, Joker, Tali, Liara, Vega, Garrus, they all kept filing out silently. The crowd burst into cheers and cries of joy as the last of the crew members exited the ship; the sound was deafening.

She looked over all them carefully and her heart ached as she counted the losses that they suffered. Not just from the last battle either, she counted those that had fallen throughout her career as a Commander. They had all trusted her but she couldn't save them in the end. She used to tell herself that Marines died sometimes, but after everything that had happened she couldn't make excuses anymore. Her mind turned to EDI, whom she didn't see, and her worries could almost be confirmed. If she was really gone, then the loss was undoubtedly and entirely her fault. She looked to Joker with an apologetic eye but he looked unwell and it broke her heart.

Knowing that she would be unable to look away, she had held off on turning her attention towards him up until this point. Garrus stood in the forefront of the group, taking in their surroundings. She kept her breath held in her chest as she watched him move; he looked tired but strong as ever. Nothing else mattered in that moment and she hadn't even noticed Venris trying to get her attention until he was blocking her view of Garrus.

"Stay here," he said as he shook her shoulders to instill the severity of his words. She looked at him and nodded slowly.

Venris stepped past the crowds to address the crew and offered a greeting to Garrus, the obvious leader in this scenario. She could guess that they were talking about accommodations and the like, but she didn't care. The world continued to move around her as she remained unmoving and more people like Venris stepped forward to help the crew after they had begun to unload the months of rations and supplies she knew they still had stored away. She had made sure that her full crew could have survived a solid year off of what she had on that ship before the final battles had begun; she took a fraction of a second to commend herself on her forward thinking.

Her heart beat heavy and slow as she watched Garrus speak and before she knew it, her legs were betraying Venris' orders. She pushed past one person, then two. Soon the crowds were completely behind her and she stood out in the open, but nobody her presence as they continued to cheer.

Venris had just finished talking to Garrus and he turned to see her out from the crowd. She could see the upset on his face but she still reached up to pull the scarf down around her neck and looked past the large turian to make a silent call out to the only person in the universe that she wanted to talk to. Venris had paced heavily back to her and tried pulling her into the crowd, but she found her strength and wouldn't move an inch. Not until he looked at her.

As if he had heard her call out clear as day, his head turned to lock his eyes with hers. Her heart finally picked up the pace and she could feel the blood rushing to her face as she allowed her hopes to sky rocket, but he only held the eye contact for a split second and then promptly moved on.

Her insides seemed to fill with ice and it felt as though the Earth had given out from under her feet. With her hopes crushed, Venris' pull at her shoulder was obeyed without argument or display of resistance. Garrus didn't recognize her. Of course he wouldn't, she didn't have her face or her hair and she looked as if she was only half of her regular size, but she had hoped that by some miracle he would have just known it was her. It was an unrealistic and painfully unfounded hope.

Slowly retreating back into the crowd, her eyes were locked open while she continued to will Garrus to look back at her one last time and to realize his initial mistake. She wanted to scream, yell, and cry out for him but her voice couldn't find the courage. When his gaze didn't turn to her, she scattered her looks of desperation across her crew's faces but none of them noticed her either. They were all busy gathering supplies and moving things around. She was an unknown face in a sea of strangers.

Her teeth ground together and suddenly Venris' presence was the most invasive thing she had ever experienced. His hand had been on her shoulder but in a fit of rage she had broken free from him and nearly broke his wrist in the process. She tried yelling at him above the crowds but she knew that his translator was probably scrambling to keep up with everything around them, so she settled with shoving him away and promptly turned back to the crew that no longer recognized her.

This was proving to be much more difficult for her to deal with than she had thought it would be just minutes ago. She thought that if her crew was just alive and alright, she could walk away and build herself something new and different, but it wasn't enough. She knew where she belonged and she was off her mark by miles. The tears were still streaming down her face as she stood frozen, stuck among strangers while her family was within reach. They left clean streaks in their wake where they cleared away the dust, dirt, and ash that had pressed itself into her skin.

After standing there for a while, the crowds had settled into a dull roar, everyone talking to themselves about the heroes' homecoming but an alarming questioned could be heard scattering through the groups of people still surrounding the Normandy.

Where was Commander Shepard?

The crowd's calls had continued to dwindle as people realized that nobody else was coming out of the ship and the Commander was unaccounted for. A few people called out the question but there was no response from the crew apart from their progressively upset faces. Tali had stopped moving completely and looked to Garrus as he continued to move boxes off the ship until he couldn't ignore her gaze anymore. He had stopped only for a moment but she could tell that he was struggling. Tali seemed to say something to him and the way that he looked back up at her resonated with Eli in the harshest way.

He had been leaning over a stack of supplies when he yelled out in a rage and tipped the whole thing onto the floor, scattering ration bars across the broken pavement. Tali was quickly at his side, her hand at his shoulder as his chest continued to heave as he tried to steady his breathing. Everyone could tell that Tali's actions were an act of consolation and then there was a true silence.

The people within the crowd began to salute in various ways, but it wasn't until the crew of the Normandy joined in the salute that she realized that it was all for her, for the fallen Commander. She slowly turned to Venris, hoping that he was still there, her face torn and distorted with pain. When their eyes met she let out a small, guttural cry and looked to the ground. This was it; it was supposed to be her happy reunion but she stood in a crowd, completely separated from the truth and the people that she loved the most. She couldn't handle the pain in their eyes and she blamed herself entirely. She had made a lot of questionable choices in the past but she knew now that her decision to hide when she woke up was the wrong one and this is what it had lead to; an innumerable amount of broken hearts and lies. This whole scene was wrong and it sat in her stomach like a boulder.

***AUTHOR'S NOTES***

BIOWARE OWNS ALL - you know the drill.

So I'm getting lost and behind on this story because I haven't played the series in a solid year and I'm finding that fact really upsetting. As of right now I am playing through the games again and recording using fraps it so I will have really good reference points from here on out which should hopefully make things smoother and a little more detailed.

I'm really sorry to those of you who were hoping for a happy and loving reunion between Shepard and Garrus this chapter but if there is one thing that you should know about this series is that it's a little bit of a slow burn and it's designed to be that way, but I promise you that it will be worth it. Shep is confused and she changes her mind every time something new comes along, so the whole story's trajectory tends to tip and turn with her emotions (hopefully leaving ya'll in the dark a little so I can surprise you here and there).

Thank you again to all of you who have read, followed, favorited, reviewed, and sent me pm's for this story. Your continued support is just beyond appreciated and I love each and every one of you for it.

Lots of Love,

Wreade


	8. Chapter Eight - Struggle

Neither she nor Venris had moved for quite some time. The crowds swayed around them but their feet remained plastered to the floor and their eyes stayed focused. His gaze was on her, trying to assess what he ought to do next and how long it would be before she lashed out at him again. Her eyes didn't wander far from the ground or the feet of the strangers who had just saluted the missing Commander, not knowing that she stood among them. She could hear the rush of blood in her ears as she tried to block out the feelings welling up in her chest so she could find the strength to move her feet once again. The air had grown even thicker as the commotion in the square offered to push an endless amount of dirt, dust, and ash into it. Soon enough, her eyes burned with every blink and breathing became a strenuous task.

Venris had decided after fifteen minutes that she had likely calmed down for the moment and approached her carefully. As he got closer she took a small step from him and tried to turn her head away but stopped short when she realized that the Normandy would come back into view if she continued. His large gloved hands reached for her face to wipe away the tear streaks trailing from her eyes down to her chin. Her skin burned from the rough way his gloves scraped across her face, but she gave little response or resistance and he did his best to look everywhere but her eyes as he tried to pull her back together after her outburst. Both parties felt tense, knowing that neither of them would leave the square without being hurt on one level or another and well aware that their arguments were anything but over. He settled next to her side and continued to look down at her, waiting for any indication of what she would do next, but she simply continued to twist her oversized jacket in her hands while looking to the ground with a furrowed brow.

She didn't know what to do, her life was within reach just a few meters behind her but her heart strained, pulled and fought against itself as she tried to choose the best plan of action. She knew she was in the wrong, so much so that it was shameful to admit, but she had to wonder if revealing herself would make everything better or worse for everyone involved. They already thought that she was gone and they were alive and well. She had everything that she really wanted and was nearly in the clear. Anaren had covered her up enough to the point that she could potentially live out an uneventful life if she really kept her head down. It would take someone crazy enough to think that she was alive to run off, recover a record of Commander Shepard's DNA somehow and test it against every single human female of her age group in order to actually hunt her down and prove, without question, who she really was. Considering the fact that nobody had the time, resources, or data to conduct such a search at this time, her chances looked good.

It was down to brass tacks, and she only had a few more minutes to decide as the people in the square began to disperse, returning to the work that they had discarded when the Normandy landed. Her mind raced back and forth, every time she thought she had reached a decision, there was a new argument to sway her back in the other direction. Her head was swimming between all of the arguments and justifications for each decision she could make, but the strain of it all made her sick to her stomach. It wasn't even mid day and she felt exhausted both physically and emotionally. There was nothing left to do, she couldn't make a choice.

The wind picked up one more time as she turned her head back to the Normandy. There were dozens of people swarming around the ship's underbelly as they reorganized and sorted the supplies being unloaded and she could barely see the crew huddled together just outside the hangar door. Sighing, she broke what little view she had of them and turned to Venris, asking him to take her home with just the look on her face. With a silent nod and a wave of his hand, he began to guide her back to block seven.

They went at a slow pace as she dragged her feet as much as the cracked and littered streets would allow. Shoulders slumped with defeat, she remained silent the entire walk back. It wasn't until Venris had stopped her in front of the clinic that she realized just how dazed she felt and yet she did nothing to snap out of the state she was in. They stood in silence for a few moments until Venris finally decided to speak up.

"You have a physical therapy appointment today, don't you?" he chimed as his head moved to signal at the clinic door.

Eli nodded but didn't move from her spot. He only waited a few seconds, but Venris had apparently grown tired of her mood and sighed as he spoke again, shifting his weight from one foot to the other in an impatient gesture.

"Okay, so do you have your ration tickets on you?"

She nodded again and pulled some small pieces of paper from her jacket pocket. Venris wasted no time in grabbing them from her, tearing one ticket from the pile and inserting the leftovers back into her pocket hastily. The paper quickly crumpled between his fingers as he used the same hand to gesture towards the clinic door, feeling that she needed a little more guidance than usual.

"Go get it over with then, I'll wait for you here."

Not understanding why he took her ticket, and without enough energy to even ask, she turned to follow his instruction and made her way into the clinic. It was more or less deserted so she was able to meet with the therapist right away and get out of the stuffy building within an hour. Just like he had said, Venris stood on the opposite side of the street waiting for her to be done with her appointment and had made his way to her in just a few of his long steps. She noticed that the bag he handed to her was her own but she had remembered leaving it in her room.

"Come on, let's go."

She looked in the direction of her living quarters and finally decided to speak up as she noticed that he was headed in the wrong direction. "Where are we going and why did you have my bag?"

He didn't slow down as he replied, "Back to my place, you can stay there tonight." Noticing that she hadn't moved at all, he turned back to her in question. "Are you coming?"

"Why are we going there? My place is just down the road. And you still haven't answered for this," she said, waiving the bag around a little bit.

He motioned towards her with a hint of helplessness, "Have you looked at yourself in the last hour? You're a mess. Nobody in their right mind would leave you by yourself right now, even if you had tried to snap their wrist." He had attempted to make the last part into a joke but it didn't translate well and he watched as she turned from him. "Anyway, I went and got your food and your stuff, it was just faster that way. Come on, Eli. Let's go."

She thought carefully and decided that she really didn't want to be alone, ignoring the fact that Venris had sifted through all of her stuff for the moment, she moved to follow him. Maybe if she just kept herself occupied it would be easier to cope with or forget what had happened earlier that day.

It had only been a day since she had inadvertently broken into his place but as they stepped through the door she felt that it had been at least a week. Too much had happened too quickly and she wasn't handling it well. Taking her place on the couch again she opened up her bag to get herself a ration bar and realized that he had gotten her four times the regular amount with only one of her tickets.

"What is this?"

"Food? You've been eating it for a week now; I don't know why you're suddenly curious as to what it is."

He moved around the room, grabbing some ration bars for himself and making his way to the couch to sit heavily across from her.

"You only took one ticket, why is there so much food here?"

"You haven't been gaining back enough weight, and I'm guessing at one point or another you'll need it."

"What is that supposed to mean?" she asked, not really enjoying the way he seemed to think he always knew what was best for her.

"Well yesterday you couldn't even put up a fight when I found you at my door, today you could barely run a mile. Given your background, I figure that eventually you'll try to regain some strength. Just eat the food Eli; I don't understand why you have to argue. So I pulled a few strings to get you more than usual, it's not a big deal. Fight me now, but you'll be thanking me for it later."

She felt like she was finally coming down from the shock of everything that had happened that day but all that was left over was a sullen frustration.

"Have you ever noticed that nearly any time you're actually talking to me, you're bitching at me in some way, shape, or form?" She waited as his translator caught up and watched has he rolled his eyes and let out yet another frustrated sigh.

Without thinking, he gave a response, "Well what would you do if you had to watch while one of the strongest people you knew of allowed themselves to waste away?" He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and mumbled something under his breath that nearly made her snap, "I should have kept you further from their landing spot. . ."

"I'm sorry, what did you just say?" she looked at him so intently that there was no way for him to shrug away or cover up what he had accidentally let slip. Replaying it in her mind, she could tell exactly what he said and pushed for answers, "How did you know where they were going to land?"

He took a bite of the ration bar that he had opened a few minutes before and spoke again with a mouthful of food, "You should eat."

She looked him over and spoke through her teeth, "Venris, this isn't funny."

He swallowed the food in his mouth and nodded, "Okay, yes. There had been rumors." He paused, knowing that she would want more information and seeing that there was no avoiding it, he continued, "Sounds like a few military units had gotten limited communications back up and I heard a few people talking about it but sometimes you can't trust what you hear around here. A few people said that they had been up on the Citadel for some time but it wasn't until I got to Hansen's tent today that anything had been confirmed. If they hadn't landed today, it would have been tomorrow."

She grew angrier as he continued to explain, and if she hadn't been so focused on the Normandy, she would have noticed that he knew something sooner. She realized that he didn't even seem surprised when the Normandy made its appearance.

"Why didn't you tell me," she asked.

"I would have told you if I had some hard evidence but I didn't. If I had been wrong and they never came back, you would have been more upset with me than you are right now. Don't make this about me Eli, you've been making all the choices. When you woke up, you decided to change everything. You wanted a different life and we're just trying to give it to you."

She stood from the couch and began to pace the room and he followed as she went. She was bouncing off the walls within minutes and he could tell that she was growing more aggressive by the second. He made a move to grab her arm to get her to stop pacing but she quickly broke his hold of her and retaliated with a shove. He put his hands up and kept his eyes on her as the aggression grew.

"You." She pointed an accusing finger in his direction as she continued moving around the room, "I don't like that you're hiding shit from me, I don't like that you keep telling me what to do, and I don't like that you think you need to protect me!"

"Shepard, look at yourself and be honest about it."

Anaren had said it before but with Venris' dual toned voice, the use of her name stopped her in her tracks. She looked up to him as he moved closer and tried to be gentler with his next sentences.

"It took you a week to fill out the paper work at the hospital and when you finally did, you chose a different name. Unhindered by your crew, you made a decision for yourself, but now that they've returned you can't make up your mind."

"You don't know shit," she spit at him.

"Could you just listen? Right now, what you have is time and options. Come out from the shadows and suddenly instead of just me, you have an entire universe screaming at you and they'll pull you through the dirt just like they did before and you know it. That's why you didn't tell anyone when you woke up and that's why you listened to me today. If you really wanted to go back, you would have walked up to your crew the second you saw them or actually fought me harder when I pulled you away. You only really pushed back one time and even when you did, you still didn't do anything about it, you just stood there." Every word struck a chord with Eli and she clenched her jaw as he continued, "Now, look me in the eyes and tell me that you really want to go back, or that you're in the right emotional state to make a rational decision."

She had been looking off over his left shoulder until his last sentence, after which she made eye contact with him and tried to hold it, but she couldn't. She felt selfish for the first time in years and it made her sick. She wanted her crew back and she knew where she belonged, but she still fought it somewhere in her subconscious. More than anything, she wanted her freedom and although she didn't want to admit it, Venris was right.

Everything still felt wrong but she knew she couldn't fix it. Her resolve had gone missing and her personality had faded into a pale blur of indecision and mixed emotions. Even if she wanted to, she couldn't let her crew see her like this. She couldn't let Garrus see her like this. She looked at him again and with her strongest voice she warned him.

"No more hiding anything. Even if they're just rumors, if there's something that I might want to know, you don't keep it hidden from me, deal?"

He moved to argue and then apparently decided against it and nodded quietly in agreement. Moving back to the couch, she could just barely hear him say, "Will you please eat something now?"

***Author's Notes***

BIOWARE OWNS ALL - you know the drill

So I have both good and bad news. The bad news is that this story is going on hiatus for at least one week, maybe two. The good news is that I now have a Beta and it is likely that the quality of this story will go up significantly. MissLCB will be joining me on this endeavor and I'm so excited to be working with them. During the hiatus, I will be going back through all the chapters and cleaning them up where necessary and then writing quite a few chapters ahead so that I will not have to break the schedule again. If I make any large changes in the previous chapters, I will be sure to let you all know.

Once again, thank you all so much for your support. I appreciate everyone who has followed, favorited, read, and reviewed this story so far, I will do everything that I can to make sure that it continues to be enjoyable for everyone.

Lots of Love,

Wreade


	9. Chapter Nine - Normal

It had been weeks since the Normandy landed and it took everything she had to try to normalize her life and keep herself from running off to find her old friends. She had spent most of her days in Venris' living quarters where there were plenty of books and other things to distract her from the outside world. At least she didn't have to suffer a front row view of the Reaper on the horizon. Although Venris never really seemed to be excited about having Eli around, he didn't seem to mind her presence either. He had spent a good amount of time surrounded by the books the former occupants had stacked neatly on the bookshelves around the room but he was never able to read them, so whenever he was around, Eli made it a point to read aloud. It filled the room with something other than awkward silence while keeping them from really having to talk at the same time.

There had only been a few days left to lie around before her two weeks were up and she had to begin working. The people at the block seven town hall hadn't been at all helpful when she went to them looking for a job; everything they suggested sounded boring or was three to five housing blocks away from hers. She had gotten much better but she still wasn't strong enough to do that much walking in a day. After struggling to find work she decided to bring it up to Venris, who was able to find something off the records and within his housing block; it was a simple position at the only official military weapons store for miles. The work brought her a small amount of comfort because it was obviously something she had knowledge in but she didn't have to let anyone know that.

Over time, she had grown to be proud of her progress. The rate at which her emotions spiked and dropped had gone back down to a normal level and she had even been able to begin building up her strength. She felt as though she was accomplishing something every day when she went into work and, more than that, she was beginning to feel like herself again. She hoped that within another month or two she could forget how down trodden and inconsolable she had been for so long.

The dull light of the day began to creep into the room and she could hear Venris' footsteps as he approached her makeshift bed in the corner of his room. She felt a few small taps on her shoulder as her signal to wake up and listened as he mumbled something under his breath. She was sure that it had been some sort of complaint on how he would have to wait for her again this morning but she shrugged it off and rolled over as if she had all the time in the world. She didn't have a reason to smile very often but getting under Venris' skin always did the trick for her. He was over reacting of course; it took her all of three minutes to get up and out the door. She rolled over and grabbed the clothes she kept by her bed and quickly pulled them on under her blankets, letting out a small yawn or two. Standing, she stretched for a little bit before wandering over to where her jacket, hat, and scarf had been laid out on the desk. Her hair had finally begun to grow back but it was still much too short to do anything with so she simply flattened out the new, soft hair before donning her now-signature hat. There was another rustling sound in the corner of the room and then she felt a ration bar make contact with the back of her head, the hat cushioning any potential damage.

"Ugh, yeah, man. I get it. I'm ready, I'm ready," she said as she bent over to pick up the ration bar from the floor. Apparently breakfast was on the go this morning.

She enjoyed the area that the warehouse was in, the air was cleaner and the crowds were significantly smaller because so few people lived nearby. She always scaled the larger pieces of debris as they passed, some would think that it was childish but Eli felt that it was helping her regain her maneuverability, so she ignored the stares from the strangers in the crowds as she jumped down from a half-fallen wall and climbed up and over the next one. She let a small smile paint itself across her face as she felt her muscles listen to even the smallest commands. Ever since her physical therapy sessions had ended and she was allowed to move around more; her strength had easily begun to grow at an exponential rate. It was likely that the rate of recovery could be attributed to her implants. Every now and then the thought of them still bothered her but at this point she would take what she could get.

It never took them more than fifteen minutes to make it to the warehouse and they made their parting as casual as possible by only giving each other a small nod or mocking salute before continuing on their separate paths. Eli pressed her hand against the grimy front door of the warehouse and let herself in, walking straight through their makeshift lobby to push through another door that lead to the actual storage areas. How this place hadn't been destroyed during the war was completely beyond her; it had obviously been built for weapons storage. Usually buildings like this were raided or destroyed at the first possible chance, but perhaps the allied forces had just been very careful about guarding this one in particular, or the Reapers' arrogance kept them from making simple, tactical strikes.

After a few minutes of wandering, taking in the familiar scent of gunpowder and metal, she headed into the glass office a few meters away from the lobby door. She could already see a woman sitting at one of the desks and gave her a small wave when she looked up. Leah was more or less in charge of keeping the place functional but she never really felt like a boss to Eli. She talked casually and didn't really care if you took breaks more often that you worked, provided that all your responsibilities had been taken care of. There were about a dozen other workers scattered throughout the building, though Eli hadn't talked to them about anything other than work or maybe the weather every now and then. She laughed quietly to herself over those conversations because the weather had barely changed in the weeks that she had been out to experience it, but some people remained hopeful. She continued the thought as she quickly slipped into the room.

"Good morning, Eli. Nice to see you in such a good mood," Leah said as she chuckled to herself.

Eli hadn't noticed that the corners of her mouth were turned up in the slightest smile and instantly relaxed her face back into her usual indifferent look. Giving Leah a shrug, she leaned up against the desk and picked up a pile of paperwork that looked to be for her. As she began to thumb through it, she peeked over the disheveled papers to see Leah shake her head and return to her work.

Leah wasn't an old woman but she definitely wasn't in her prime anymore. She had apparently been just some office cube jockey before the war and she now found herself managing a weapons store in some sort of post-apocalyptic world. Eli found it strange at how happy she seemed to be about it. She watched as the woman flitted through paper after paper, signing off on different requisitions. Even without smiling she still looked happy; the deep smile lines never smoothed from her face and there was always a relaxing energy around her.

Eli looked back down at the small stack of papers in her hand before asking, "Is this it for today?"

"Looks like it. If you finish up early I may have to put you out in the lobby though, we've been getting more traffic through those doors lately."

Eli nodded and headed out, paperwork in hand. Weaving through the different storage racks, she made her way to the very back of the warehouse where all the new supplies arrived. It didn't look like she had too much to do, although if the shipment was a complete mess it always took her longer to sort through everything. Based on the condition of the shipment forms she had been given, she didn't hold out much hope of finishing quickly. Of course when she reached the dock she could see that whoever had organized this shipment apparently didn't give a damn about the person who would have to sift through it when it reached the warehouse. It was simply a pile of guns and ammunition in the corner of the room with a small piece of paper sitting on top of it. Trying to tamp down the frustration welling up in her chest, she approached the shipment and grabbed the paper questioningly. Turning it over in her hand, she noticed a small smiley face that had been drawn at the bottom. She rolled her eyes and crumpled the paper in her hand, deciding that the dock workers obviously thought they were just so funny.

Hours later, she was covered in the dirt and grime that had been brought in with shipment that she had finally finished sorting and putting away. It was the first time in a long time that she had actually broken a sweat and she stood there for a minute, trying to catch her breath. Her heavier clothes had been discarded at the start of the endeavor and she even had to roll up the bottom of her shirt after a while. This was work that she had done so easily before but now moving a few dozen weapons into storage wasn't as easy as it used to be. Revelations such as this kept her motivated to build up her strength again. Wiping the sweat from her brow, she picked up her belongings and headed back to the office.

As she made her way through the aisles, she could hear someone arguing near the front of the building, she began to walk faster in order to try and figure out who, or what, was making all the noise. When she rounded the corner to the office she saw a large krogan, who she knew as Rul, arguing with Leah.

"Hey, what's going on?" she asked as she moved closer to the two of them.

"Some turian out front is causing problems," Rul grumbled through his teeth. "Thinks he owns the place and can just get whatever he wants. We don't even have what he's asking for but he won't leave."

"Come on, Eli." Leah said with a small sense of dread, "Let's go and see if we can't find what this guy wants."

She looked between the two and let her shoulders slump in defeat as she turned for the lobby door. She would have preferred to eat or at least sit down for a few minutes but whenever someone couldn't find something, she always got dragged into the conversation. Apparently her coworkers thought that because she kept inventory, she was the only one able to find the more obscure items, although it seemed like it never occurred to them to actually look.

She waited for Leah to go out first and then followed her, hoping that this would only take a few minutes to resolve. She could hear Leah begin speaking to the guy who was apparently causing so much trouble but she couldn't make out the words after she noticed who was in the lobby.

Leaning over the counter with a hand on top of a familiar sniper rifle, she watched as Garrus began explaining to Leah what he was looking for. She hadn't been this close to him since she sent him away on the Normandy right before going to the Citadel; she took a second to remember the words that he said to her then. A small feeling of guilt had started to crawl its way up through her shoulders but she pushed it back down. Keeping her head level and her emotions calm, she simply existed in the moment and watched as his face moved when he spoke. It wasn't until his eyes turned towards her that she realized that they had been asking her something.

"What?" she asked as her head snapped to Leah and then back to Garrus.

"Do we have the part?" Leah asked, sounding confused as to why Eli hadn't been paying attention.

"Um, yeah. . ." she said, trying to get her footing back in the conversation. "What was it again?"

Garrus had been looking at her as she struggled and simply tapped the scope on the rifle to indicate what he needed.

"I keep asking him why he doesn't just upgrade; that thing is old and beaten up. Even some of our worst rifles are better than that."

"And I keep telling you that it's irreplaceable," he spat at her before turning back to Eli, "Do you have the part or not?"

She made a humming noise as she moved closer to the counter and grabbed at the rifle to examine the part he was asking about. She looked at Garrus as he hesitantly let her pick it up to take a closer look. She pretended like she was unsure of what it was she is looking at but she knew. This was the first rifle she had ever gotten for him, mods and all. Her chest ached from happiness as her thumb traced lightly across one of the deeper scratches across the body of the gun before looking back at him.

"I actually may have something for you."

"Good," Leah interjected as she left them, "Get him sorted and on his way."

Eli paused after she watched the door shut loudly behind Leah. She could feel Garrus' eyes on the back of her head and the sudden realization that she was alone with him slammed into her like a brick wall. What was she doing? Panic slipped into her veins and her hands shook as she turned to give the gun back to him before trying to shuffle her way to the door that Leah had just used to desert her.

"I, uh. . ." she muttered, "I'll just go look real quick."

"I'd actually prefer to go with you, if you don't mind," he said as he placed the rifle on his back, "I don't really have enough time to wait around while you run back and forth."

It wasn't uncommon to have people walk with them when they were looking for something in particular but at this point she wished that it was more restricted. Not wanting to waste any time arguing with him, because she knew she wouldn't win, she held the door open behind her and let him through.

*** AUTHORS NOTES ***

Bioware owns all, you know the drill

A very large thank you to MissLCB, my new Beta, who is an absolute pleasure to work with. I'm very thankful to have them around and I feel much more comfortable posting the chapters when I know that they've actually been looked over.

So we're back online, yay! It's pretty exciting and I'm hoping that you guys are going to enjoy where I'm headed with the story. Thank you all for your patience in this matter, I know it's been a very long time but hopefully we won't have to take anymore breaks through the end of the story.

Thank you!

Wreade


	10. Chapter Ten - Six

As they moved through the aisles of weaponry, she allowed her feet to drag, taking a slow pace. Garrus followed closely behind her, sighing every now and then, surely growing impatient with the rate at which they walked. It wasn't that she couldn't move faster; it was more that she was fairly sure she was just getting them both lost among the shelving units. She tried to concentrate on where she was going but found herself distracted by the turian looming over her right shoulder. Her mind rushed with broken and blurred thoughts that bounced between directions to the parts they were looking for and all the questions she wanted to ask him while she had him alone.

The typically musty, stale air in the warehouse had been unfortunate before, although now that Garrus was around, it was proving to be more of a problem than an inconvenience. The anxiety swelling at the bottom of her stomach made it hard enough to breath, mixing that with the low quality oxygen could probably push her to the edge of fainting. She just needed to buckle down, find the part, and get him out of the building. She took a moment to berate herself for allowing this to happen; she should have just said that they didn't have the damned thing and that he ought to leave.

After what seemed like an eternity of wandering to the very back of the warehouse, they finally reached the shelf that she was looking for, although she had forgotten that the pallet that held the mods had been hoisted onto a higher shelf that started a few feet above their heads. She ground her teeth together while looking desperately down the aisle for a ladder or something that could hold her weight. Giving up, she took a moment to stare at the pallet and analyze whether or not she could pull herself up. She had been considering her options when Garrus' voice cut through the silence.

"I don't suppose that is what we're looking for?" he said, pointing up at the pallet.

"Yeah, it is. If we have what you need, it's up there. Usually we have a ladder around here though. . ." she trailed off as she gave the area another once-over, hoping that a second look would reveal what she needed.

"Hmmm. . ." he mumbled.

She took a moment to look up at him, allowing herself to reflect on how much she missed him while he looked up at the out of reach supplies. He was standing right in front of her, hand on his chin and head turned to the side just like he used to do when he was thinking. Despite everything, she couldn't help but be glad that he was here; alive and well.

The moment was bittersweet as she fought with indecision and the reflective thoughts running through her head slowly brought her back to reality. Her stomach turned as she was reminded that they were now separated because of the decisions she had made. Venris always reinforced his support of her choices but over the weeks she had come to condemn herself as a coward. She was certain Garrus would be ashamed of her. She felt as though there was nothing that she could do. He was fine, and at this point that was what mattered. If she told him who she was she would just cause more damage. After all, who was to say that he would still love her after everything she had done? Sure, the Reapers were gone and the universe was theoretically saved but he had given her an order. She watched him wondering exactly how empty his galaxy was without her. Her eyebrows furrowed as her body froze in an attempt to remain in control of herself. She'd told him he'd never be alone and yet here she stood; way too deep into a lie to turn around. Her resolve resolidified as she embraced her undeniable betrayal; he was better off without her.

"Well . . ." he drawled as he looked down at her, "you seem small enough; I can just give you a boost."

She could only manage a slow blink before he leaned down and interlocked his fingers in front of her. It was a harsh shift of events from her previous train of thought; she managed to let out an incoherent sentence while her feet shuffled awkwardly beneath her. She had just convinced herself to remain distanced, there was no way she could deal with physical contact. Even if it was just a hand on his shoulder, she knew that it would mean getting closer to him and she couldn't stand it.

He had grown impatient while she stood around, trying to find a reason to run from this situation, and decided to speak up, "C'mon lady, I've got to get moving," he grumbled. "Just try to not kick me on your way up."

Nodding repeatedly to herself as a form of encouragement, she began to move closer to him, her head reeling. Trying her best to look anywhere but directly at him, she reached out to place her hands on either side of his collar. She was too close now to ignore his familiar scent and she could feel her knees almost buckling as she lifted her left foot to place it in his hands. After what seemed like an effortless lift, she was able to grab a hold of the shelf and pull herself the rest of the way up. She was only a little more than two meters from the floor but as she looked back down a wave of dizziness took hold of her; even though she had never had an issue with heights, she tried to convince herself that the dizziness was from vertigo and not Garrus.

He called out to her, "You know what you're looking for, right?"

"Yeah, I think I've seen a few of those before," she said as she steadied herself. _I bought the damned thing_ she thought to herself.

Wiping the sweat from her face and trying to regain control of her heartbeat, she looked at the pallet that held all of the mods. Regretfully, had on it only a single huge box that took up the entire pallet and went up her waist, in which all of the mods had simply been thrown into. This barely even qualified as organization but this was all they really had and there was nothing she could do about it. She sighed, placing her hands on her hips before grabbing at the edge of the box and leaning in to try and sort through the pile of equipment. She hadn't even been looking for a minute when she could just barely heard Garrus call up to her, "How's it going up there?"

Peering over the box, she yelled down to him, "Man, I _just_ started looking. Could you give me five minutes?"

She watched as he paused to look down at his feet. He didn't say anything else and she turned back to her work. She sifted through the mods as quickly as she could, the metal tearing up her knuckles and peeling at her cuticles. By the time she found what she needed, she had dug her way to the bottom of the box and her hands were bleeding in half a dozen places.

"Ah, fuck. . ." she looked at the cuts as she stood up straight again, mod in hand.

"You okay up there?"

"Yeah," she said, sitting down on the shelf and letting her legs hang off of it, "is this one right?" She tossed the mod down to him and watched as he caught it. She couldn't help but notice how his eyes stayed on her for a few extra seconds before he looked down at the scope in his hand.

"This looks right. Thanks."

Letting her feet dangle from the shelving unit, she continued to observe him. He turned the mod in his hand, pulled the rifle from his back, and made the exchange. It was a vision seeing him work with a gun again even though it was a simple fix, the replacement scope was swapped without any effort at all. He lifted the gun up and checked the work. Nostalgia started to overwhelm her, she felt like she was drowning in it; she had missed her old life before but never so much as she did now.

"Are you going to stay up there all day?" he asked her without looking up from the rifle.

She smiled, a little lost in the moment, "I was thinking of it. The view isn't so bad."

There was a visible pause before he looked up at her, a small blush making its way across her face after realizing what she had just said. It was disheartening to see his response. Typically something like that would have earned a smile or a small laugh but his expression had turned to stone and she felt that she had pushed too far. It wasn't a game for him and she felt ashamed for even joking around. It could have been just a simple, split second lapse in judgement but it was scary to see how easily she forgot how much harm she had done.

With embarrassment and shame making its way through her system, she realized that this had gone on for far too long; she needed to leave. The smile fell from her face before she rolled over onto her stomach so she could make her way down from the rack. As she lowered herself to the floor she could feel her arms shaking as she tried to hold on before they gave out on her halfway down and she dropped the rest of the way. Stumbling a little bit, she could hear a few footsteps just before she felt a strong hand wrapping its way around her upper arm in an attempt to help steady her.

It wasn't until she had gotten her footing back and stood upright that she realized that there was still a hand wrapped around her arm. Looking at it, she realized how small she still was compared to what she used to be; his fingers wrapped around her upper arm with room to spare as they overlapped each other. Knowing that this contact couldn't last, she quickly pulled her arm free before taking a few steps backwards. Although he had let her go without any resistance, he continued to look at her as if there was a question on his mind.

She turned from him and began walking in the direction of the lobby again but instead of following her, he spoke up, "I know you from somewhere, don't I?"

 _Shit,_ she thought to herself, _and this is where it gets ugly._

Turning back towards him she looked at his face and recognized the expression he had. He knew he was onto something and she would have to go on the offensive to keep him away. Trying to keep the panic from her voice, she aimed straight for the heart with the next sentence, "Um, I don't know," she shrugged, "Don't humans all look the same to other species anyways? You probably mixed me up with someone else." She knew the words would hurt him, but she hadn't anticipated the friendly fire. It tore her apart to have said something like that to him.

Straightening himself into a tall stance, she watched as his mandibles pulled in tightly to his face. Bullseye. There was a moment of silence before he made an obvious effort to relax before speaking again, "Ah, I remember now. You were there when we landed a few weeks ago. Aren't you friends with Venris or something?"

He wasn't letting up and as the conversation continued her options would dwindle. At the rate that they were going, she would be found out within the hour. Trying to deflect to his issues, she continued, "Aren't you in a hurry?" she spat at him as she folded her arms in front of her and leaned back on one hip, growing tired of his questions, "But yeah, I know Venris. What would it matter anyway, what's with the twenty questions?"

"Twenty questions? What's with all the hostility?" he asked as he paced closer, "There's just something about you that seems familiar, I didn't think it would hurt to ask." His face was motionless as he looked down at her.

She knew this look and it meant critical mission failure on her end. He was looking at her in a way that said she was now on his radar which was exactly what she didn't want. Her lips flattened out into a straight line as she tried to turn away nonchalantly to conceal the sheer panic running across her face. Looking at the ground she realized that defensive playing would have been the better option and now she had to try to shut him down. Never present Garrus Vakarian with a challenge.

"Well I'm sorry that you feel that way. . ." she said, "But I can't really help you." She blinked a few times before biting the inside of her cheek and looking up to him again to say, "We've never met before."

Seemingly at peace with her response, she watched as his mandibles gave a small twitch before he quickly looked away. They were simple words but she still felt like she had been too harsh, especially since she had just outright lied to him. She felt relieved that he had stopped asking her for the time being but she couldn't help but feel responsible for the disappointment etched across his face.

Leaving her behind, Garrus made his way back to the lobby. Eli watched after him for a little while before deciding to follow, fighting with herself at every step. She should have just let him leave, however, she couldn't keep herself from wanting to be around him; even if it caused nothing but trouble.

 _I'm just doing my job,_ she told herself, _I'm making sure that he can find his way to the lobby._

It was a load of lies, to which she could just add to her ever growing pile of bullshit. The nagging at the back of her head wouldn't silence itself, especially when she walked past every opportunity to excuse herself from his presence. _You're making it worse_ chanted through her head until she had followed Garrus through the lobby door, only to see Venris leaning at the counter.

The chanting then shifted to, _Shit._ She hadn't noticed how late it was getting.

Quickly looking at Garrus then back to Venris, she tried to figure out if escape was possible at this point; by the way Venris' mandibles pulled in tight to his face as he stood up straight she could tell that she was caught. Trying to relax her nerves, she told herself that she had nothing to explain and that Venris couldn't be upset with her.

"Eli," Venris' deep voice rang through the room, "I was wondering what was taking you so long." His eyes stayed glued to her as she moved into the lobby, staying a fairly safe distance from either of them.

Garrus had seemed completely unphased by the other turian in the room as he casually circled around the counter to stand in front of Venris, crossing his arms as he spoke. "Hey, Venris. Interesting seeing you here," Garrus started out, "What brings you around? I've never seen you carry any weapons."

After pausing for a split second Venris let out a chuckle before turning to Garrus, "Well you know that I was with the turian military. . ."

Watching as the two of them spoke, she found that she was having a hard time admitting that Venris had just chuckled, as she had never heard him even come close to letting out a laugh. The two of them continued to speak back and forth to each other and it slowly dawned on her that they appeared to be friends; she didn't know how she felt about that.

As their conversation dwindled Garrus turned back to her, "What do I owe you, Eli?"

Her eyes were fixed on Venris and she only spared him a glance as she answered, "No charge this time."

"Well thanks," he answered. "And thanks again, Venris, for getting my crew situated over in block six, I appreciate it." Reaching out to place a hand on Venris' shoulder, he gave it a light tap, nodded his head in her direction as a way of saying goodbye, and turned for the door.

Her mouth flattened into a flat line again as she looked up at Venris, angrily, "Block six, huh?"

*** Author's Notes ***

Bioware owns all, I claim to own nothing

For every day that passes, I realize just how much life wants to challenge you. It's amazing, really. I do so apologize for missing so many post dates, it's upsetting for me to not be able to deliver when I said that I would. My day job has become more demanding than I had ever thought possible and I've been sick more often than I have been healthy. Unfortunately, nothing looks to be willing to let up, so my posting schedule has to be changed to every other Wednesday. Hopefully I can actually keep it this time.

I can't express how much I appreciate everyone who follows, favorites, and reviews this story; your support is invaluable. Thank you all so much for your kind words, thoughtful reviews, and understanding. You're the reason why I feel like professional publishing on my original work is even remotely possible.

A HUGE thank you must go out to MissLCB, who has done just a brilliant job Beta testing for me, dealing with my fluctuating schedule and enduring my sometimes strange comments on google docs. I couldn't have asked for a better Beta tester!

Lots of Love,

Wreade


	11. Chapter Eleven - Starlight

Venris' eyes had opened wide and his mandibles gave a nervous twitch. Eli decided he had been silent for long enough, "When were you going to tell me that they were moved into block six?"

Her eyes stayed on him as she circled the counter in order to stand directly in front of the large turian. At this point his face had relaxed back into his normal expression of nonchalance. It annoyed the hell out of Eli. She pressed her finger to his armor with as much force as she could before speaking again in a low, angry whisper, "I thought we agreed that you wouldn't hide shit from me anymore?"

Venris' head dipped low to whisper back as his eyes scanned the room around them, "Do you really think that this is the best place to discuss this?" His silver eyes met hers and held them there until she backed down. She was still obviously beyond angry, stomping away and through the door to the warehouse.

Had anyone been in the office, Eli's slamming of doors and drawers would have been cause for alarm. Luckily, Leah seemed to have left or was at least wandering around in a different section of the building. Sweat had begun to bead on her forehead as she rushed from one end of the room to the other trying to finish filing the last of the paperwork for the day before she left. That bastard had not only withheld information, but it looked like he had spent enough time with Garrus that they had become friends. Her fist slammed down onto the desk out of frustration as she looked at the clock hanging on the wall. _Is that why he was here so early today?_ She thought, her face crumpled into an expression of pure distress. _Did he show up because he was afraid that Garrus was with me?_ Of course, he wasn't exactly wrong, but the whole situation made her feel as though she was being herded like livestock.

"This is bullshit," she muttered to the empty room, "absolute bullshit."

Eli wiped the sweat from her brow as she stood up straight again, reaching for her jacket in order to pull it back onto her body. She paused for a few seconds to try to steady her breathing before heading back out to the lobby. Sighing, she took a look around the empty office. The room was dim but there was enough light to see the dust floating listlessly through the air. It was calm enough to give her just a second to slow the thoughts in her head down before tidying her desk one last time and leaving the room.

The walk back to Venris' living quarters was quiet. Eli took her regular paths climbing up and over the city wreckage as they moved along silently. With furrowed eyebrows and pursed lips, she did her best to ignore the glances that Venris threw at her every so often. Before she realized it, they were back at the familiar old building that she had been living in for these past weeks.

After they had entered the room, Venris leaned against the large desk and watched Eli pace over to her corner, only to start packing up what little belongings she had.

"What are you doing?" he asked her tentatively.

"I'm going back to my assigned housing in block seven." she huffed as she shoved the last of her food supply into her bag and stood, lifting her chin to look at him, she said, "back to a place where I'm not lied to."

Venris' mandibles had pulled tight to his face as he moved closer to her. "I haven't lied to you at all. Besides, you haven't been there in weeks. What are you so upset about?" His voice trailed off as he took in the look of hurt on her face.

"Don't even pull that bullshit on me, Venris." Eli spat at him, pushing her way towards the door, "I told you, I _warned_ you. No more hiding anything from me. You're suddenly friends with Garrus? So you two bonded while you were helping him and the rest of _my crew_ move to a location within a five minute walk from here and then didn't even think to tell me about it?"

"I wasn't hiding anything, I just thought-"

"You thought what?" Eli interrupted his sentence as she spun around to face him, "that you were protecting me? I don't _need_ protection, Venris. And you disobeyed a direct order."

Eli could hear a keening note rising from Venris' vocal chords and his mandibles gave another small movement. A look of disgust made its way across her face as she took in his sorry sight. Before she allowed herself to get any more upset with him, she moved for the door again.

"You need to learn that you're not in charge anymore, Shepard."

Halting mid-step, her jaw immediately clenched at his words and her eyes rolled as she choked down another wave of fury. Her hands curled into fists before turning back.

"Don't you _dare_ call me that." she said harshly, feeling the strain in her throat.

"I didn't disobey an order, I made a judgement call. I didn't need think you needed me to inform you of every time I had an interaction with any of your former crew members. You're doing _so well_ living out a life separate from the alliance; a life that you chose when you woke up in that hospital." He moved closer to her again, heavily placing his hands on both of her shoulders. "I didn't think unimportant updates such as that would be healthy for you. Look at yourself. This morning you were perfectly fine, but with only a limited amount of information, you've effectively broken into a fit of anger."

"I'm not angry at the information, I'm angry because you kept it from me. Why didn't you tell me they were being moved?"

"Why do you think that I showed up so early to pick you up today?"

Not wanting to admit that she suspected that he had come to check up on her due to the fact that Garrus was missing, she simply stood silently until he decided to talk again.

"They were just moved this morning. They had been able to live onboard the Normandy but now that the ship is undergoing maintenance, they needed to be relocated for the time being," Venris said as he lowered his hands from her shoulder and took a step back, "As soon as I finished up my work today, I came directly to you so that we could talk about it. Looks like I should have cut everything else short."

There was no movement for a while as they both tried to decide what to do with the person standing across from them. Eli began to feel guilty as his words sunk in, although she remained apprehensive in truly believing him. The upset look on Venris' face ran through her thoughts once again, she realized that she had likely hurt his feelings. Her shame became overwhelming; he was correct in thinking that she wasn't as sturdy as she thought she was. She hated to admit it, but he was right sometimes. Her mind stuck on the thought of the Normandy undergoing repairs though; if they were repairing it, they were sending it somewhere and a part of her needed to know where it was going.

"Eli, you need to decide." Venris said softly, although his voice still filled every corner of the room, "You can't have both lives and the longer you put off your decision, the harder you're going to struggle."

She had been thinking quietly before she headed for the door again, simply saying, "You're right, Venris."

"Where are you going, Eli?" Venris called out to her as he took a few steps to follow.

"I'm going to figure it out." She turned her face in his direction to try and give him an encouraging smile but it failed miserably, folding back into a frown as she strained against the tears now pushing their way to the surface.

Their eyes met one last time before she bolted from the building. In the end, she hadn't told Venris where she was heading; he wouldn't have let her go if he knew.

She had to get back to the Normandy and figure out once and for all what she was going to do with herself, and this time it would need to stick. She had been awake for over a month but had only really managed to steady her emotions enough to keep herself from going catatonic anytime the Normandy was mentioned. The fact that she continued to dwell on her decisions up to this point was a sign that something was wrong. It was a big risk, but if she could see her ship again, if she could go home, maybe things would be clearer.

They had gotten back to the apartment early but the sun was already beginning to set by the time Eli had stepped out onto the street. Her heart rate rose as the adrenaline began coursing through her veins, truly coming to terms with where she was headed. In truth, she wasn't really sure of the exact location, but the Normandy was somewhere between where she stood and the reaper corpse still looming over the city.

Weaving between the citizens of the city had become easier even though she was entering an area with a much larger population than what she was used to. Breaking away into alleys and quieter streets at every chance, she was able to sprint every now and then to make up the time she lost when the crowds slowed her down. Her lungs ached from the strain that was suddenly being put on them and there was a stitch in her side, but she continued forward.

It had taken quite some time wandering through the scattered and crooked streets before she finally able to find the square that the Normandy had made its home a month ago. If she hadn't been struggling to catch her breath when she arrived, the sight would have stolen it anyway. Flood lights had been placed around the perimeter of the ship, lighting every inch of it. The dust that had yet to settle from the day danced through the light and around the Normandy as if it was in a snow globe on display. As Eli knelt down to keep in the shadows, she admitted to herself that this was the only sight that offered her true comfort her since she first woke up in the hospital. Even in its state of disrepair, surrounded by a broken and dark city, the Normandy was still home.

Enamored by the scene, it took her a minute to break free of her intent stare in order to determine what her best move was; she needed to get onto that ship. The whole site was completely lit by six flood lights circling the Normandy and there were guards stationed sporadically around them. Crouching even lower and bringing her knees to her chest, she watched each of the guards in order to determine if there was any sort of pattern to their patrols, unfortunately they just seemed to wander aimlessly.

Focusing in on the open shuttle bay door, she marked her target; that was her way onto the ship. She looked to the other side of the ship at the piles of supplies and equipment, most likely for the repairs, that could provide her with enough cover to get close to the Normandy, but the lights were still an issue. If they were still powered up when she tried to enter the ship, she would surely be seen. The lights had to be getting electricity from something. Her eyes began to trail the cables running from their stands and followed them all down to one generator at the back of a truck. Luckily the guards seemed to not really care too much about it. It looked as though that whole area was completely unprotected. Amateurs.

Laughing to herself as scurried past the buildings on the parameter of the square, making sure to keep concealed, she circled her way around to the best available vantage point to get to the generator. Even from the this distance, she could tell that it was an archaic machine. Simply doing some damage to the right circuit board would make it irreparable. After that, it would be a hop, skip, and a jump to the shuttle bay door.

Excitement and tension built up in her shoulders as she waited for a guard to turn away from her for just one second, as soon as he did, she was off. A short sprint later she was sliding to a halt in front of the generator and cringing at the fact that she had already overlooked one detail; she didn't have any tools that would help her quietly shut this thing down. Looking over her shoulders to make sure nobody could see her, she crouched lower and began to panic while looking for weak spots on the damned machine. Cursing herself over and over again, she sat there blank-faced, realizing how out of practice she was. She clearly hadn't thought this through all the way.

Taking a few seconds to slow down, she examined the generator carefully. She was too used to obliterating whatever it was that was blocking her path, but if she did too much damage they would guess that someone had been there. That would make the guards react as though it was a threat and the ship would be searched. Meticulously looking over the generator, she search for small points of failure that she could make look like an accident. Popping open a small hatch in the side, she found a few wires and hoped that pulling a few of them would be enough. It was times like this where she missed Tali, because Eli sure as hell didn't know what she was doing.

Reaching for the exposed cables, she grabbed them and gave them a good tug. Bright lights filled her eyes, she was thrown down to the ground, and her breath was taken from her, all within a split second. Blinking furiously, the world darkened again as her stomach turned and she held down the urge to heave where she lay. The lights were out but Eli found it difficult to move, even though she could hear the guard's footsteps quickly approaching. All she could manage was to quickly reach up to close the panel before rolling underneath the nearby truck.

Her head spun and her hands shook. _Damn it_ she thought to herself. She hadn't thought about getting electrocuted. Her suit used to absorb or nullify that sort of impact for her, and that was only if her omnitool couldn't handle the job first; she had never realized how having those tools could lull her into a false sense of safety.

The guards shuffled around the now broken generator and she hoped that none of them had any sort of engineering degree. It had been about five minutes before she felt like she could move again. A slow army crawl brought her to the other side of the truck where she would remain hidden from the guards, although she always kept a look out for more. Hoisting herself up from the ground into a low crouch, she moved between the objects scattered around the Normandy until she could reach the ship itself. Taking one last look around to make sure she hadn't been found out, she stood up from the shadows and sprinted for the shuttle bay door.

Once she was up in to the ship, she quickly crouched back into the corner of the shuttle bay in order to make sure that she was alone. When she was confident enough to move again, she headed straight for the nearest maintenance tunnel entrance. The hollow sound of her steps on the Normandy's floor echoed quietly as she crossed the room; it was a sound that she had missed.

She wanted to see the entire ship, but what mattered to her right now was getting up to the loft. Navigating through the maintenance tunnels was still second nature to her, even when there was very little light and ventilation. The air was stuffy and she didn't quite remember the ship being so dusty, but she continued on. It only took her a few minutes to make her way to the top floor.

She stood with her back pressed against the wall so that the door sensor wouldn't pick her up. Her heart raced and sweat dripped down her neck. Stomach still turning from the generator incident, she swallowed her urge to dry heave once again, and took a step forward.

With an uncharacteristic creak and a few sparks from grinding metal, the door opened. Her heart raced as she crossed the threshold. It was complete sensory overload, but she moved forward either way. Making her way through the small hall and down the few steps, she noticed that her desk was an utter mess and the aquarium was empty, although for some reason the bed was made. She quickly crossed the distance between herself and the bed, only to lay a hand on the white blankets. Her dirt encrusted hand and jacket were a vast contrast and she began to feel out of place in the once-familiar room.

Looking up to the ceiling, her heart sank as she noticed the window that was once filled with starlight was now covered by a grey blanket of dust, just like the city around it. She vaguely remembered disliking it when she first moved in; it had reminded her too much of her time drifting above Alchera as her suit quickly leaked oxygen. She hadn't grown fond of it until Garrus started staying with her and they would watch the stars pass by on the nights they couldn't sleep. Something about having him near always kept her from feeling the vulnerability that the large window had once exposed.

Finally her knees buckled and she found herself on the floor by the bed, tears in full motion now as she couldn't hold them back. She was out of place wherever she went, nothing was right anymore and she just felt lost. She knew her mistakes but fought with the reality that making it back to where she once was could very well be impossible.

It was then that she heard a small rustle come from the corner of the room. Immediately her spine straightened and her tears ceased.

"Sh-Shepard?" a low, dual tone voice called out.

Eli turned her head just enough to see a disheveled Garrus Vakarian leaning forward off the couch.

***Author's Notes***

Bioware owns all, you know the drill.

I really big thanks again to everyone who continues to support this story, review, follow, and favorite it. Rest assured that I am still making every attempt to get back on track with the scheduling, and I so appreciate everyone's understanding when it come to that issue. It really means a lot to me that so many people are enjoying this story, I just hope that I have this much luck when I start posting my AU chapters once ME:Aftermath has been completed.

A big thanks again to MissLCB for being my Beta for this work. They're seriously just a huge help and offer such good critiques. I truly feel that the quality of the chapters has gone up significantly since we've started going over them together. I am very _very_ thankful to have such a wonderful Beta 3

Lots of Love,

Wreade


	12. Chapter Twelve - Hope

"Shepard?" Garrus said again. She was stunned for a moment, hearing him say her name. Not Eli, but Shepard. It was something she never thought she would have the opportunity to experience after everything that they had been through. The scenario felt like a dream that was quickly dissolving into a nightmare. Her heart was running wild but she waited until the echo of his voice faded before even thinking again.

Slowly, he began to shift. She watched him from the corner of her eye as he blinked a few times before attempting to stand. His footing was shaky and he stumbled over the armor that he had haphazardly discarded on the floor near couch when he began to make his way to her.

Furrowing her eyebrows, she turned toward the lumbering turian for further investigation. She knew that look on his face; he was drunk, and it wasn't even the good kind of drunk either. He was clearly confused about the whole situation; a part of her wondered if he would have have called any human female in the room by that name at this point. She quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks and tried to divert the conversation. "What are you doing here? Everyone is supposed to be gone." Her eyes bolted around the room to find the source of his current state and noticed the bottles scattered here and there. He had apparently raided their hidden stockpile.

"This," he gestured to the room, "is my home." He took two more large steps in her direction and crashed to his knees in front of her, "what are you doing here, Shepard? You're -" One of his hands reached out to touch her face but she was able to move away just before it made contact.

Trying to weigh her options, her mind began to race. She could run and pretend like this had never happened, tell him the truth, or lie. No matter what she decided on, by the way he looked right now, she wasn't sure that he would remember anything in the morning.

"My name isn't Shepard," she said, her voice cracking, "I'm - my name is Eli. . .we met earlier today."

Garrus' mandibles snapped close to his face, his shoulders slumped in disappointment as his blue eyes narrowed in on her. It was clear that he was upset over his incorrect assumption about the stranger who had interrupted his evening. As though he was suddenly sober he replied, "Then I should be asking _you_ what you're doing here."

Slowly moving backwards away from him, she felt the cold wall behind her and used it as leverage to bring her to a stand. To her surprise, Garrus quickly stood to follow her, even as she slid along the wall towards the door.

"I'm really sorry, I shouldn't be here."

"Probably not, no." he said as he continued to loom over her, "but I still want to know why you're here." His fist slammed into the aquarium glass on the other side of her face, blocking her from moving any further away from him. He watched closely as she flinched away from his movements.

"Curiosity." she breathed, trying desperately to avoid any sort of eye contact with him. The conversation had only just begun and she already had him on high alert. Knowing what this was, trying to back away would only further aggravate him, and running would only be worse. She needed to talk her way out of it.

"And how did you get past the guards?" he rumbled, leaning in again.

"I broke the generator and walked in." Lying to him was pointless, he would be able to tell and then she would have to deal with his whole C-Sec interrogation process. He was in a strange state and, honestly, it worried her. She wasn't Shepard anymore, which placed her back into Garrus' long list of distrusted faces.

Finally, he leaned away from her and seemed to sink down into the comfort of his previous drunken stupor as he wandered his way back to the couch. "So then leave. Your turian boyfriend is probably worried about you."

He was clearly not in the mood to concern himself with her choice to break into the Normandy; he just wanted her gone. It was the sarcasm in his voice that tore through her with the force of a hades cannon. He had used the phrase _turian boyfriend_ before but in such a different light. The way he used it now, while likely referring to Venris and not himself, nearly left her speechless as she watched him settle back down in the corner of the room.

"You're right," with a trembling voice was all she could manage at first. He had been staring blankly at the bed for a while before she said, "he is likely very, very worried about me, and I hope that he knows how sorry I am." as her face expressed pure despair.

He made no response to her comment, he simply continued to stare blankly at the room before him, not knowing who she was really referring to. She did this to him and the thought of leaving him in the dark surrounded by the debris of their living quarters bothered her. Without thinking, she raised a hand up to her face, one that he didn't necessarily recognize anymore. If she told him the truth, would he be able to see it?

Against all of her better judgment, she moved to him as she spoke soft and low, "Garrus, you're drunk. You should lie down." She reached a hand out to grab his forearm and pull him up from the couch. Thankfully he did not resist as she helped to hoist him back onto his feet and then lead him to his side of the bed. Wobbling a little bit, he looked down at the clean white sheets and released a drawn out sigh.

 _I know, I know_. She berated herself, only wanting to be able to comfort him but knowing that she shouldn't. When he didn't move, she peeled back the sheets from the bed and sat him down. It had taken more pressure to actually get him to lie down but she got him to obey eventually.

When she reached out to grab the pillow from what used to be her side of the bed in order to prop him up better, he protested, "Leave that there. . ." he grumbled, his hand reaching out to press firmly into the soft pillow, ensuring that it didn't move an inch.

Looking down at him in this state, her answers seemed to finally be clear. If nothing else, he deserved to know the truth. At the very least she could trust that he wouldn't run off to tell the alliance brass where she was. That was, of course, if he actually believed her and wasn't too angry after everything had been said and done.

Pressing her lips into a flat line, she decided that it needed to wait as his eyes drooped, signaling that he was quickly fading into a drunken sleep. "In the morning. . ." she cooed while leaning down to pull the blanket up over him.

Her heart stopped when she heard a small clang as the dog tags she still wore around her neck fell forward and out of her shirt. Her attention snapped back to Garrus' face but where she was hoping to see a sleeping turian, her gaze was met with a steel blue stare. Before she could even breathe, one of his ungloved hands was reaching for the tags. Not wanting to inadvertently break the necklace, she froze.

"Garrus. . ." she pleaded, "please, let me explain."

Sitting up, he turned the tags in his hand and stopped when the engraved side was turned upwards. He couldn't read english, but she knew that he was familiar enough with the way her name looked written in her native language to recognize it when he saw it. Anxiety burned in the pit of her stomach as she watched his face set into a stone expression that she only seen on a few rare occasions.

"Where did you get these!?" he snapped, gripping them tightly and pulling her in closer, his other free hand now wrapping around her upper arm to keep her in place. His breathing was sporadic and she could hear a harsh whine in his vocals with every exhale.

Reaching out to grab the hand that held her tags hostage, she took a deep breath before saying, "they're mine, Garrus. Please just-"

Before she knew it, they had somehow come to a standing position when he tried to take the tags from her. Neither of them were willing to break the chain or let the tags go; their fingers now entwined with each other's, trying to get the other person to release their grip. They had reached a stalemate and the universe halted for a moment. Garrus huffed as he looked down at Eli who stared back at him defiantly.

"Eli, give them to me. That is, unless you want a few broken fingers." he grimaced as his grip tightened on whichever fingers he could grab hold of. She winced when his talons dug into her now delicate skin but her resolve was strong.

"You need to listen to me." she muttered between gritted teeth.

"Shepard is dead and I am-" he stopped as his voice broke, "I was. . ."

"You're right, Shepard is dead." she said drawing closer to him, " but I'm alive. I may not be the Shepard you knew, but I used to be."

He froze for a moment before his eyes began to search her face, looking to see the truth behind her words, but Eli could tell that he wasn't seeing it. Whether it was the alcohol or disbelief, she wasn't getting through to him on looks or simple words alone. Slowly she began to loosen her grip on his hands and reached up under her scarf to unhook the chain. The small silver links slowly slipped from around her neck as Garrus pulled the tags away from her. She felt bare and abandoned without them; they had been the only object keeping her linked to the life she used to know. She had to push those feelings aside for Garrus' sake in the hope that they would provide him with the comfort that they used to provide for her.

"I'm alive," she repeated, "I know you may not believe me, and I know it's not the same. If I am truly dead to you, then those can be my parting gift. You deserve at least that."

Just as she thought that the conversation was heading to a close, he murmured quietly, "this is a trick; a lie."

This had always been an option but she had hoped that it would never come to it. With having been resurrected once and having a clone another time, it was really no surprise that Garrus would think that someone was trying to pull a fast one on him. Even if a perfect Shepard approached him tomorrow, there was no way to really prove that she was genuine. Hell, there was no proof that the Shepard that came out of the Cerberus labs was genuine. Nearly everything that she was could be fabricated. It was part of the reason why she didn't confess who she was when she woke up in the hospital, there were too many people who wanted to grab a hold of her or her identity for their own reasons. What was worse was that she was coming to him with Shepard's tags and a face that only sort of looked like the Shepard he knew.

"Do you think that you could show up with these tags and claim to be Shepard?" he started slowly.

"I honestly didn't think anyone was going to be here." she responded. Hearing the strain in his voice she surveyed the room to make sure she knew what the quickest exit was. This looked to be turning in the wrong direction and Garrus was in an unpredictable state. "Garrus, think carefully. If I had wanted to trick you, I would have started talking the minute we were alone in the warehouse today."

Looking down at the tags, Garrus' mandibles gave a small twitch before he threw them at her feet. "I saw you the day that the Normandy landed here." he said slowly before looking to her face, "my Shepard would have come to me the second that ship hit the ground."

The way he spoke to her was unforgiving and she felt as though every sliver of hope that she once had was completely out of reach as she began to speak again, "But what if she had been lost? What if she didn't have a face that you may not be able to recognize anymore." she said as the tears stinging at her eyes began to run down her face, "What if she thought you were dead and all that was left was a univer-" Garrus had turned his head away from her, making her pause. Closing the space between them, she reached up to turn his face back to her, forcing him to listen. "All that was left was a universe of strangers who have only ever made it a point to put her in trenches."

Reaching up to wrap his fingers tightly around her wrist, he whispered, "Prove to me that you're Shepard, but lie to me and you'll pay the price."

Eli's mouth closed into a frown and her eyebrows furrowed, "I don't know how to prove it," she murmured with a shaking voice. Her worst fears had been realized; not only did he not see her, he didn't trust her. "We both know that everything that I am can be recreated. People have done it before." Garrus pulled back at that comment, removing her hand from his face and taking a step back. She continued, "I could tell you everything from the day that I met you in the Presidium on the Citadel down to the moment that I put you back on the Normandy before heading into the Conduit, but it wouldn't matter because you already don't trust me."

The room grew cold and silent apart from the sounds of Eli's strained breathing. Their eyes met again and Garrus asked, "Why didn't you come to me right away?"

"I didn't know what to do. I had only been awake for a few weeks, all the while being hidden by Venris and Anaren. The Alliance had been looking for me and there were enough rumors to suggest that they weren't the only ones. With my crew missing, the only thing that I could trust was my anonymity. If you hadn't come back, I wouldn't have told anyone." she shrugged and wiped a few tears from her chin, "Truthfully, I was scared. Less scared of being found out and actually more scared of the conversation we're having right now." she tried to laugh, but it got caught in her throat. The sadness in her heart enveloped her entire being and another sob boiled its way to the surface. After she had calmed down again, she looked up to him one last time she said, "You know I love you. I always will."

Garrus shifted from side to side as he struggled with his thoughts. Too much time had passed for Eli to be sure that she was still welcome in this room. Reaching down to grab the tags from the floor, she picked them up and clutched them close to her chest. The only true comfort that she could take away was that she had tried. At this point she felt that maybe one day she could really move on. It looked as though life on the Normandy, a life with Garrus, was no longer an option for her either way. If he didn't trust that she was Shepard, nobody else would. Observing her thin, soft fingers wrapped around the dog tags and feeling the warmth of tears streaking down her face, she didn't blame him. She was broken and weak.

She was still nothing compared to Commander Shepard.

She had taken a second to wipe her face clean of the tears again before putting the tags around her neck, the cool metal giving her a small feeling of comfort once more. She could feel Garrus' eyes following her as she made her way back to the door.

"I'm sorry, Garrus. I really am." She looked back to him with a broken smile. "I never meant for this to happen, it was a gamble and I lost. You know I was never any good at poker."

She had already reached the door when she heard his loud footsteps quickly cross the room and run up the stairs, bearing down on her quickly. Panic made its way past her spine as she braced for some sort of impact, convinced that he had finally decided to lash out, she felt a gentle hand wrap its way around her wrist in order to turn her back around. Her eyes met with Garrus' and she could see the hurt in them, not knowing what he was going to say, she stayed quiet.

He continued to stare her down for a minute before he gave her wrist a squeeze and said quietly, "Swear to me that this isn't a lie."

Eli's heart leapt into her throat as she realized what this meant. With as much strength as she had been able to muster in a long time she replied, "I swear."

Garrus visibly relaxed at her words. Slowly pulling her further into the room by her wrist, he began looking her over more carefully, a low hum rising from his chest. Eli's hands had begun to shake and the tears threatened to break free again as they slowly moved closer to each other. He opened the hand that had been clutched around her wrist in order to look at it, his fingers traced the fragile skin there, noticing how thin she was.

Turning his attention back to her face, he slowly reached up to remove the hat that she always wore, allowing his fingers to run across the short hair that she had managed to grow. Eli bit her lower lip while furrowing her eyebrows, suddenly feeling self-conscious, but Garrus hadn't noticed. He was focused on removing her scarf, letting it drop to the ground. Using one of his talons, he carefully pulled at the chain around her neck, lifting the dog tags out of her shirt to rest on her chest. He continued to look down at them dangling from her neck, shining in the dim light of the room. Although he had relaxed considerably, his mandibles had remained tight to his face. Eli knew that this was a struggle for him, so she let him take whatever time he needed. She was just happy that, it seemed, she was being given a chance.

Eli could only hear the sound of Garrus' low keening, as his left hand snaked its way around her waist, pulling them closer together. Her heart beat loud as absorbed every moment of being this close to him. Finally feeling welcomed enough to make a move, she slowly reached up to touch the scarred side of his face, his right hand following close behind to hold her hand there. His eyes closed for a moment, and then he reached for her neck to pull her closer, touching his forehead to hers.

*** Author's Notes ***

Bioware owns all, etc.

So it looks like I've actually been able to settle into the every-other-week posting schedule and I'm very happy about that, I'm so glad to be able to get some consistency for the sake of this story's readers; you're all amazing and I'm so happy to have you around. This story is actually almost at 50 followers and I'm so overjoyed that so many are enjoying this story line so much. I had hoped that I would have enough time to do something special for this story's 50 follower mark, but I couldn't really come up with something everyone would enjoy so for now I'm just going to say again how much I really appreciate all the support you've given me. IF you happen to think of something that would be cool, pm me with your idea!

Once again, a big thank you goes out to the wonderful MissLCB, who continues to do a fantastic job editing these chapters for me.

Lots of Love,

Wreade


	13. Chapter 13 - Stay or Go: An Apology

His eyes closed for a moment, and then he reached for her neck to pull her closer, touching his forehead to hers. Eli concentrated on the rhythm of his breathing and the weight of his hand at her back despite the nagging anxiety still swelling at the pit of her stomach. He had been, and still was, extremely drunk. She couldn't be certain he would remember all the details of their exchange and it drilled worry into the back of her mind; she wished that she could tell herself that nothing would change once he sobered up, but she knew better than to bank on something like that.

"I have more questions," he whispered to her. The way his words slurred together didn't make her feel any better.

"How about we talk about it when you're not drunk?" she said tentatively, pulling her head away from his, "We'll have time later."

"We also have time now," he said, holding onto her as she pulled away. Not too happy with the space that she was creating between them, Garrus tightened his grip at her waist and the hand that had been holding hers moved to the side of her neck. His thumb reached up to trace small circles and lines across her cheek and jaw while being careful not to scrape her with his sharp talons.

It was intoxicating, Eli couldn't help but to lean into every touch and movement that he made. It was a simple and natural, the way that they moved together. He leaned in to stand with her there, cheek to cheek, his hands holding her there firmly in a comforting, almost possessive way.

A small, coherent though shot through Eli's mind as Garrus exhaled heavily into her crook of her neck. This could be completely temporary. She was elated that they had come so far, so quickly but the thought of losing him as soon as he sobered up had already ruined any sort of moment they were having.

"Can we please just wait?" she said, placing her hands on his chest to try and push him back a little more, but he didn't budge.

"Shepard," his voice was surprisingly sad, leaving Eli no choice but to turn her head to him as he straightened to a stand to fully look at her. His mandibles were closed to his face as their eyes locked, "I need answers and I need them while I still have you... here." Sighing, his gaze softened but it didn't falter.

She could feel herself start to shake and her chest tightened, making it more difficult to breathe; she wasn't sure what to do. It felt as though he didn't believe that she was standing there with him; it was almost as if he thought that she would disappear as quickly as she had appeared. Her heart sank as she threaded her arms around his neck in an attempt to comfort him. This was the cost of the damage that she had done, and it was the one thing she knew she needed to set right. She owed him this, no matter the personal cost.

"You'll get your answers . . . let's just wait until I know that you'll be able to remember our conversation, okay?"

Slowly, the grip that he had around her began to loosen, his hands eventually made their way up to frame her face as he pressed their foreheads together once again. He breathed in, almost as if he was convincing himself that this was real, Eli let the moment drag out as he slowly pulled away from her and opened his eyes. His taloned hands slowly made their way down over her neck and shoulders before he disconnected from her completely. The room seemed to grow colder the moment he let her go, but she didn't let on to her new-found discomfort. Garrus swayed in place, clearly no more sober than he had been when she broke into the loft.

As Garrus paced heavily over to the bed, Eli crossed her arms in front of her to keep the chill of the room from making its way down to her bones. Her feet began to move on her own. She sent him away but she knew that she wanted to follow. Making excuses for herself as she crossed the room to help Garrus into bed, she convinced herself at every touch and movement that she was helping him. It wasn't until she was standing over the bed with her fingers intertwined with his that she knew that there were no more excuses to be had, but she didn't make a move.

There was a small pull at her hand that slowly grew to be more aggressive as the sad blue eyes looking up at her filled with intent. Garrus' other hand reached out to touch her thigh before slowly making its way up to her hip. It was a gravitational pull that Eli couldn't resist. Her mind had gone completely blank as she slowly lowered herself into their bed and allowed Garrus to pull her into his side. The bells and whistles going off in her head were completely drowned out by her desire to stay where she was. This was something that she had only ever dreamed about, not thinking that she would ever actually be there.

His arms wrapped their way around her body, holding her thin frame to his as he slowly drifted off to sleep. She took the time to trace a few of the scars on the right side of his face as she watched him there, seemingly at peace with the world. He looked tired and it was as though he had aged years in just a few months. After enjoying the time that she had to look him over without interruption or guilt, she realized that she needed to find a way to break free from him. It would only be a few hours before she would need to be at work, and she would want to be off the Normandy before the crews began to arrive. She just hoped that, if he even remembered that she was here, Garrus would understand when he woke up.

It was a tricky business trying to untangle herself from the sleeping turian, his arms were interlocked with each other behind her back so she spent most of her time trying to get even an inch of breathing room without waking him up. She remembered that at one point he was one of the lightest sleepers she had ever known, but the alcohol seemed to have done her a favor this time around because he barely even stirred as she slowly slipped her way out of the bed.

Sitting on the disheveled floor, a part of her refused to actually leave the room; a quiet sentinel unwilling to give up her post. This is where she wanted to be, and there was no fighting the part of herself that loved Garrus. When the morning light began to seep through the layer of dust on the ceiling window, she knew she couldn't stay any longer whether she wanted to or not. She had to get to work and the longer she waited, the harder it would be to get off the ship undetected as the workers all showed up. Maybe she was just using her job as an excuse to leave without admitting that, on some level, she was avoiding another problem. Everything was a gamble these days; a part of her was willing to bet that Garrus would wake up mad for one reason or another. Sure, maybe she should stay there to talk to him but on the other hand, she did have a job to get to. A small voice in the back of her head called out _excuses_ as she made her decision to go.

Before moving to a full stand, she leaned across the space that separated her from Garrus to press her head to his one more time and quietly left the room.

***AUTHOR'S NOTE ***

This is only half of the chapter is currently written, but in order to not break the Rules & Guidelines of FF, I had to post a section of the story. This one has been written for years.

Please allow me to apologize for the hard stop - clearly this isn't a completed story, and both you (the reader) and the story itself deserved better. It had been a labor of love and my Beta was amazing at what they did - the hours that they spent looking over my poorly formatted drafts is something that I could never thank them enough for, and somehow despite that, I've left this story abandoned for nearly two years.

With the forthcoming release of Mass Effect Andromeda, I can't help but feel like I have unfinished business here. . .

If all goes according to plan, gameplay footage, chapter reformatting, and a second half to this story will follow in the months leading up to Andromeda,

If anyone is still listening out there, thank you for the support you have shown me in the past, I appreciate everyone who has spared a moment for me.

Lots of Love

Wreade


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